Archive for the stay at home mom Tag

Dear Liam’s Mom,

So Mac’s been in preK just shy of a month now. He goes twice a week. And we missed Monday because we were at the beach. However, the Monday before that, I was sitting in the parent conference beside Liam’s mom. I refer to her as Liam’s mom because I don’t know her name. He son’s name is Liam. And
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Encouraging Early Learning: The Power of Poop

Children are exhausting.  Teddy won’t sleep anywhere but the pack and play in the basement bedroom.  Mac won’t use a writing implement.  There’s.  So.  Much.  Poop.  And laundry.   I haven’t slept in the same bed as my Husband in at least a month. Of course, this is probably a plus, since it makes for very effective birth control and
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This, That, and The Other. . .

I have a list a mile long of stuff I want to post. Time is NOT on my side. For one thing, Teddy has recently decided he LOVES feeding himself. So now I have two children dumping enough food on the floor on a daily basis to feed a small country.  And that small country is apparently Satan’s Lap Hound.
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Toilet Training: Oh GAWD Just Put the Piss Where It Belongs! Before Someone DIES ALREADY!!

Every. Day. For WEEKS. I now completely relate to criminals.  The potty seat I carry EVERYWHERE is like my own damned house-arrest ankle-monitoring device. The rest of the time?  We’re actually under house arrest: “We can’t go until you tinkle.  Let’s try to make tinkles.  Show me what you’ve got, go!  hurry!  So we can do more fun stuff!” And,
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Ahhhnd This Is Why My Flat Iron is in the Trash. Are You Happy NOW?!

Dear Darling Sons, I adore you. I give you as much of myself as I can every day. I don’t have a house cleaner.  I don’t have a babysitter/nanny.  There is no fancy pre-pre-preK formal education happening.  I don’t have meals delivered. . .(That’s right.  Not even pizza.  But once a quarter sushi. . .whatever, no one’s PERFECT!). Where was
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Daddy’s A Woozel! And I’m A FAILURE!

So yesterday was Mac’s 3-year well-child visit with the Pediatrician. And she didn’t disappoint. I walked out of there feeling like a complete parenting failure. As we all know, Mac is not fond of the Doctor, so I was initially feeling very fortunate he was just clinging to Chris for dear life and mildly hyperventilating as opposed to thrashing about
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In Which Reluctant Mother Names All The Lego Guys After Alcoholic Beverages And Finds Some Redemption

Just when I was about to lose my parenting shit and send everyone off to some sort of structured, beneficial, better-than-I-can-provide learning environment. .  .{AKA PRESCHOOL!}. . . So I could clean up cat barf in peace:  Mac: [Pointing at floor] “You got a. . .a. . .poop?”  Me:  “That’s cat vomit.”  Mac:  “Cat vomit?  Cat vomit!  hahahahahahaha!  Cat Vomit!
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Activating The Exhausted Ass Launch Sequence

You know the book?  The Napping House “where everyone is sleeping?” THAT’S NOT THIS DAMNED HOUSE! Teddy can’t sleep because Mac’s a loud, boisterous wild man.  Mac won’t sleep because. . .well, he’s a wild man. DO YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL EVERY AFTERNOON IS WITH TWO EXHAUSTED CHILDREN? EVERY.  AFTERNOON. It’s starting to wear on me. I need a PLAN.
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