Archive for the pregnancy humor Tag

“Your Children Have Magnificent Heads”

OF HAIR? MAGNIFICENT HEADS OF HAIR?! RIGHT?!!!!! THESE BOYS HAVE GREAT HAIR! Nope. Not.  Even.  Close. “So Mom, these kids have ginormous heads.  How did that work out for you?  Ouch.” Said the volunteer at the Patterson Park Pagoda. Is this even happening?   What?   Hold up. You’ve seen my children and all you can mention is that they
Read more…

Unmedicated Birth: I Wouldn’t Recommend It – Part I

This is the first installment of the story of Teddy’s arrival.  It’s probably going to be long.  And possibly gross.  So if you’re not into this sort of thing, you might want to check back another day. . . So if you recall, I was one week overdue.  Not completely miserable, but ready to evict the bouncing bundle of ahem
Read more…

Friday Funny: Trending Down Towards Your Genetics

So I’m writing this on my due date.  While doing jumping jacks.  So hopefully, as you are reading this, I’ve had the baby.  Because if there’s anything more miserable than being pregnant at this point, it’s attempting to schedule more doctor’s appointments. Seriously, they over-book every damned day. I have to go to two separate offices on Friday for appointments
Read more…

Is It Swollen? No, But It WAS Nearly Fatal. . .

I HATE the fact that it gets dark at 5PM. Why do we still move the clocks back?  Can’t we just do away with the whole antiquated practice? It’s been torturing mothers everywhere for years. I’ve heard a lot of mothers complain about how it messes with the routine.  Yet, during the past few years, I never really noticed too
Read more…

If You’re Reading This, I’m STILL (Multiple) Expletive Pregnant

Although, due date is still a couple days away. . .and we all know that’s just a good guess. I would really, really like to avoid an induction if possible after my prior experience with that stupid process. However, at the last Doctor’s visit, this Doc hinted I could likely go as long as 42 weeks if we stayed healthy.
Read more…

Another Post Where I Mock My Husband’s Misguided Attempts To Be Considerate

So as you all know, I’m a few days away from my due date with our second little Sprout. And I’m obsessed. But not the way you might think. . . I’m not worried about bonding, or juggling two kids, or the extra stress or work, or the lack of sleep. . . We can handle it.  I can handle
Read more…

Sex. While VERY Pregnant. I Went There. . .Consider Yourself Warned. . .

Sooooooooo. . .We’re rapidly approaching due date around here.  And I’m DYING to be done being pregnant. I don’t particularly enjoy pregnancy and while this one has been pretty great, all things considered, I just want to be able to drink wine and eat blue cheese in my standard-issue fat pants again. A while ago, I got a stupid idea
Read more…

Reluctant Mother and the Case of the Dangling Placenta

I hate that word.  Placenta.  I find it gross for some reason.  I’ll bet it looks vile in person  too.  G R O S S. Lucky me, this pregnancy has been nothing but PLACENTA.  Placenta.  Placenta. Months ago, one of the capable if not completely over-eager ultrasound technicians thought part of this disgusting organ might be hanging around in a
Read more…

In Which Some Ass Parks Poorly And Causes ME To Nearly Bust A Gasket

The weather here as been stellar.  It’s like a pregnant woman’s dream:  nearly no humidity, sunny, just warm enough. . . And my little guy is still snotty.  So we’ve been trying to spend time outdoors doing things that don’t get him too exhausted and away from things other children might touch so he doesn’t make others sick too. Yesterday
Read more…