Home » I Wept.

I Wept.

So things haven’t been going 100% around here. (ahem extra-shitty shit show)

Chris had a thing with his leg and hasn’t been running.

I had a thing with my leg and it’s just sometimes an absolute pain to push 70 lbs of kids on a stroller.  (Yet, more of a pain for me to click them into car seats for a 1-2 mile trip).

There was vomit (on a sofa).  Fevers.  Snotty noses for weeks.  A few random rashes.

And the daylight savings time switch.  Dark.

And an election.  Darker.

I’ve been eating my feelings in hummus.

And even though I don’t engage too much with the “news,” (whatever that even is these days?) it can’t be ignored.  (I’m not super optimistic – but that’s another post).

As much as I try to keep the kids away from adult worries, (the news is NEVER on.  The TV is NEVER on.), they are intuitive little things and I think they are starting to internalize some of the angst and turmoil and uncertainty Chris and I are trying to process ourselves and protect them from. . .

I’m sure they sense our unease, our feeling unwell, our feelings of insecurity.

They have both started to ask to sleep in our bed.

Our family rule is everyone sleeps in their own bed unless they are terrified or sick. (We co-sleep liberally but we TRY to stick to the family rule).  And no matter what, everyone starts the night in their own beds.

Lately, things have been a little wonky.

So tonight after Chris came home from work and nearly went to sleep in short order, I tried to have a family meeting with the boys to brainstorm how we could make sure we could all get a good sleep.

Teddy was too exhausted to contribute.  Mac tried.  But his only idea was one he hated – lock our bedroom door.  Then he just started to get angry with all of my other ideas.

Ultimately, we decided on the “pom-pom” fix:  Every night you stay in your own bed, you get a pom-pom. Get 6 pom-poms, get a toy/book/activity you want.  Teddy’s a little young for this but he still got his own labeled mason jar to collect pom-poms since he wants to do everything the older kids do.  Done Deal!

Our kids are rock stars when it actually comes to falling asleep.  They usually fall asleep FAST.  One of us usually lies in Teddy’s bigger bottom bunk while they fall asleep.

Tonight, Mac was tossing and turning.  Teddy was already asleep so I set aside my fear of heights and heaved myself into Mac’s bunk.

Face to face with Mac.

He was quiet but not asleep.

I waited. . .

I started to get a little impatient.  So much to do.  So much left undone.  What if I fall asleep up here?!  

What if I fall asleep up here?

Safe.  Secure.  In a world where I can move freely.   Where we can be friends with anyone we want.  Where there are hospitals to help children if they are ill and injured.

What if I wake up to a nightmare?

Bombs?  Horrible bombs.  No resources.

And I started to sniffle so quietly.  I’m so sorry, how can I help?  We have so much. There is so much suffering.

And then Mac put his hand gently on my teary cheek, and mumbled “Good night.”

And I wept.

Thank you for all we are blessed with.  

How can I help?