Home » Toilet Training: Oh GAWD Just Put the Piss Where It Belongs! Before Someone DIES ALREADY!!

Toilet Training: Oh GAWD Just Put the Piss Where It Belongs! Before Someone DIES ALREADY!!

Every. Day.


I now completely relate to criminals.  The potty seat I carry EVERYWHERE is like my own damned house-arrest ankle-monitoring device.

The rest of the time?  We’re actually under house arrest:

“We can’t go until you tinkle.  Let’s try to make tinkles.  Show me what you’ve got, go!  hurry!  So we can do more fun stuff!”

And, if I’m being completely honest, the situation makes me feel a tad bit criminal. . .as in:  homicidal. . .

I’ll deny any premeditation.  


We tinkle on the potty.  We drop pants and pee on the floor and laugh about it. . .minutes after visiting the potty.

We go to the park and give a blow-by-blow demonstration to anyone of how our dog pees on trees while I wait breathless, praying the demo doesn’t involve actual pee.

We repeat over and over and over that “If we make poops in potty, we’ll get Play Doh.”  And then we sneak off and poop our pants.

We like the boxer briefs.  We hate the boxer briefs and in fact, “We’re all done underwear!”

We’ll gladly use public toilets. . .

And then use our entire HOME like a toilet. . .floors, HVAC registers, table legs.

We run through urine gleefully shouting “You made pee on the floor!  You peed on the floor!”

And because EVERYTHING we’ve read says to keep the situation positive, I. CANNOT. DO. A. DAMNED. THING. ABOUT. THIS.

Seriously.  He urinates on the floor, laughs about it, runs through it a few times for good measure, and then procures a towel to clean it up.

He is completely unmotivated by prizes, praise, discomfort, mess. . .

The Pediatrician said he should be potty trained.  . .And my Husband whole-heartedly agreed.

That’s why “we’re” working on it. . .And I’m feeling all stabby towards BOTH of them.  

My feeling is he might be physically ready but emotionally, he’s not quite there yet. . .Teddy rocked his world.  And the more animated and capable Teddy becomes, the more Mac regresses.

I came to this conclusion while plunging the toilet. . .which was clogged after I dumped a massive turd into it . .I found said turd behind the bathroom door.  . .On the air register. . .

So what do I do?

We can’t go back right?

We have to continue. . .with this battle of wills and daily mess and stress. . .

In the alternative, anyone able to suggest an air-tight alibi?

I know there’s no optimal time to potty train.  I know it requires a ton of work and patience. . .but I honestly feel like I allowed myself and Mac to be pressured into our current situation. . .Perhaps I should have been more adamant that he’s still pretending he’s a baby every day.  That he’s still feeling insecure about Teddy. . .Perhaps another month or two wouldn’t have been so horrible?

We’ll stay the course and it will be just fine. . .

Except maybe for our floors. . .


Although. . .that would make a homicidal mess easier to clean up. . .

"Is that how the dog pees?  On the lamp post?"

“Is that how the dog pees? On the lamp post?”







4 Responses to “Toilet Training: Oh GAWD Just Put the Piss Where It Belongs! Before Someone DIES ALREADY!!”

  1. Repeat after me, beloved: All children potty train eventually. Even my Ender, who also loved to pee on the floor–right beside the potty, of course–because then he could make pee footprints all over the floor.

    Also, this: Anyone who tells you “Your child should be potty trained by 2 – 3 – whatever” — they’re talking about their child and their issues. My middle daughter was a freakish, self-potty trained creature who was out of diapers at 1. Imagine what hell I would make life for her brothers–and the kids of my friends–if I thought she should be the norm? (Because the universe is all about balance, her eldest brother nominally potty trained at 2 and 9 months… but had accidents ALL THE TIME until 6, and her little brother was joyously in diapers until 4, when he potty trained overnight… with the occasional regression.)

    Anyway. You will prevail. Just keep on laughing.

    And when you do potty train: always leave the house with about six pairs of pants for the toddler. Just do it. You’ll thank me later: it’s a ward. The day you leave the house with six pairs of pants, there are no accidents. The day after six months of no accidents you leave the house with no change of clothes, there are six.

    I sign off to the sound of my four year old peeing off the balcony…
    nothingbythebook recently posted…A “lost” year: on standing still, moving forward, stepping backMy Profile

    • admin says:

      Thanks for this! I should trust my own instincts when it comes to the adorable little parasites. We’ll get there but I think we might have jumped the gun a little on this one due to my own weakness.

      The day you posted this? We peed all over the Nature Center and the Target. We left Target in a cloth diaper because I only had 2 back up outfits. You were spot on! 🙂


  2. Evanthia says:

    I feel for you! Potty training SUCKS. There’s no two ways about it.

    I tend to think that it’s not such a bad thing to help a child understand that peeing all over everything is an undesirable outcome, though. Sure, you want potty-training to be a positive experience, but there’s got to be SOME way to demonstrate correct technique, right?!

    The method we used had us train one of my daughter’s stuffed animals before training her. And on some of bunny’s attempts, he had an accident that we’d talk about. He wasn’t in trouble; we were just *sad* about his accidents. I think it worked well to have a proxy for the disappointment and scolding 🙂

    Good luck to you all!!
    Evanthia recently posted…Why I Never Said “We’re Pregnant”My Profile

    • admin says:

      SUCKS! Is wholly accurate. Ha.

      Of course we tell the little darling urinating everywhere is not desirable. We remain unemotional and understanding and he helps us clean it up (willingly and is quite proud of the whole process).

      We’ve read the kid’s potty training books with him. He repeats over and over “If I poops in the potty, I’ll get to play with Play Doh. . .First we pee, then we wash our hands. . .”

      And I turn my back for a minute and he’s dropped trou and is urinating, laughing hysterically screaming “I hope you’re not peeing on the floor! You tinkled on the floor!”

      He’s a tough freaking nut. . .

      Can’t imagine where he gets this from? Ha!