Home » The BREAST err BEST Father’s Day EV-AH!

The BREAST err BEST Father’s Day EV-AH!

So Saturday, we decided we’d take the boys to North Point State Park for one of our most favorite hikes.

There are snakes. . .

But the trail is worth it.

In a short, easy walk on the Black Marsh Trail, you can experience shaded woods, a large marsh environment, an abandoned building, AND a beach.  And if you’re standing on that beach on a clear day, you can see the Bay Bridge.  (This still blows my mind for some reason).

Anyway, we were up too late partaking of all sorts of debauchery but we were prepared and to Black Marsh on a sunny Saturday morning we went.

Everything was going just as expected.  Mac flipped out over a few mud puddles.  I managed to defuse the situation with a “Hey Mac, do you need a hug?”  THANK YOU, Merely Mothers!  

We followed Mac’s lead and breakneck pace down Muskrat and Holly Trails and ended up at the Beach.

Usually, we’re the only people there.

However, this time, we weren’t alone.  There was a man and a younger woman there when we crashed onto the scene.

They were pretty well set-up too.  I noticed they had all kinds of gear spread about. . .

Hmmmm.

We exchanged pleasantries and I plopped down on the sand with Teddy.  Mac commenced dragging driftwood to the water’s edge in his usual routine.

I snuck a few sideways glances at the couple.

Is she in her underwear?  That doesn’t look like a bathing suit exactly. . .?

Something seemed “off.”

But I didn’t want to be nosey.

Ok. . .Right. . .

Not obviously nosey. . .

I’m totally nosey.  

Eventually, Mac tore off in a sprint up the beach and Chris followed.

I remained seated, bouncing Teddy – pointing out bugs and shells and birds.

I snuck a few glances at the couple.  Is he draping long strands of  beads all over her?  She looks like she’s posing.  Maybe they are doing some sort of personal training?  Yoga?  Something holistic?  We’re probably really killing their energy. . .

An “Excuse me?”  startled me out of my bouncing an adorable Teddy bliss.

I looked up to see the man crouched over us.

“Hi!  I need to ask you something.  And it’s okay to say no.”

WHY?  WHY do people always say stupid shit like this? I’m defensive from jump.

“Ask away.” I said trying to remain cool.

“Well, I have a model over there and I’ve draped her with jewelry I’ve collected from all over the world.  And I want to take some photos of her. . .topless.  For a coffee-table book I’m publishing.”

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?  WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS GIRL?  SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK TO HER MOTHER!

“That’s cool.” I said.  “It won’t bother us.  No worries.”

“Well the beads will be draped over her breasts but they might slide off and you might end up seeing her nipples um areola or something. . .you know?”

Oh I know.  They’re breasts.  Nothing we haven’t seen before.

“Not a problem.” I said, feeling conflicted about whether I should tell the model the “coffee table book” might be a sham and supporting the man’s artistic endeavors.

“A book?” I marveled.  “That’s fantastic.”

Can I see the jewelry?  What kinda’ jewelry?  Who’s your publisher?

“Yes.” The man replied.  “I want to get some of this beautiful driftwood and stuff in the background.  She’ll mostly have her back towards you but I just wanted to make sure it was okay before we started?”

“It’s fine.  Really.”

“With him too?” The man  asked nodding towards Chris way up the beach.

Um?  He’s a heterosexual male.  And there will be tits.  You do the math on that one, Einstein. . .

“Oh.  He won’t mind.  In fact, I’d be surprised if he even noticed,” I laughed.

And part of me kinda’ honestly believed that.

“If you need us to get out of your way. . .out of your shots, we can.  We won’t be here too long anyway.”

“No.  It’s fine,” the man said, “I don’t own this beach but it would  be great if we could do the photo shoot.  She traveled a long way to do this.”

Like mail order or horrible sex trafficking long way?  

“Go for it,” I said.  “Don’t worry about it at all.”

The man marched back towards the model and their gear.

I felt awkward as hell so I started walking up the beach towards Chris and Mac.  Due to some downed trees, I couldn’t get as far as they were while wearing Teddy.  And I felt weird going back towards where the man and his model were.

So Teddy and I just kinda’ hung out near a dead fish, swatting at an occassional black fly, watching the swallows until Chris and Mac came bounding up the beach.

“Is she wearing a thong?” Chris queried as soon as I was in earshot.

Seriously? How?  How did he see that?  Stupid binoculars.  And when did she put on a thong?!

“Come here,” I hissed as I ushered us off the beach and back onto the wooded path.

“They are doing a photo shoot for a book.  It’s supposed to be artsy.”

“She’s topless and in a thong?” Chris asked.

“Plus the jewelry,” I mumbled.

“Oh,” Chris laughed.  “This is the BEST FATHER’S DAY EVER!  I NEVER thought I’d see boobies at North Point and here they are.”

That’s supposed to be a bird joke.

GAH!

NO BEADS HERE.  Just a lot of unfortunate gravitational effect.

NO BEADS HERE. Just a lot of unfortunate gravitational effect.

boobies 2