Home » You Can Accomplish This Before Your Effing Head Explodes: Kale Pizza

You Can Accomplish This Before Your Effing Head Explodes: Kale Pizza

So we like kale.

I’m not pretending we LUUUUUVVVVV kale.

But we like it.

And frankly, we’d probably eat more of it if it didn’t come in bunches the size of my six-month old.

Why?  Why is kale only sold in what feels like 10 pound bunches?!

It seems like every time I buy the stuff, some of it gets tossed.

“Make Kale Chips, Deni,” you’re thinking.

Sorry.  No.  Just no.  If I’m going to eat a chip, it’s going to be a real damned chip – not some sorry half-soggy sea salted excuse for one.

Sure, I sneak it into salads and other stuff but still we struggle to consume it all timely.

The last time I bought kale I made a solemn vow to myself that we WOULD consume the entire package.  I wasn’t going to throw any of it away.

So after about 12 kale salads, imagine my panic when I opened the fridge and half a bag of the stuff was still hogging up prime real estate in the crisper.

Does this stuff reproduce at night or something?

I poked at it gingerly with a fork just to be safe.

Must.  Use.  Kale.

I cannot eat another bite of raw kale this week.

My eyes darted around the refrigerator.

What tastes good with kale?

Cheese? Cheese tastes good with everything.

Bacon!  Bacon!

Deni, that’s 1 lb of uncured, humanely raised, no hormones no antibiotics added bacon.  It cost as much as your first car.  DO. NOT. WASTE IT ON KALE!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I ripped open the freezer drawer:  Fish.  Fish.  Freezer-burned waffle.

Is that a meatloaf?

Meatloaf?  Wrapped in kale?

That has to be grounds for divorce.

Then I noticed some Italian sausage. . .

And I had one of those thin whole wheat pizza crusts in the fridge.  It needed to be used soon.

A half-assed plan was slowly formulating in my pounding head:

1.  Cook the sausage in a little olive oil on the stove top.

2.  Once the sausages are fully cooked, remove them from the pan.  Set aside to cool a bit.

3.  In the SAME pan you cooked the sausage in, add kale – a lot of kale.  (Cook it in the sausage drippings.)  I like to tear the kale into small pieces and remove all those really tough center ribs.  Cook the kale until it softens and becomes a bright shade of green.  DO NOT OVER COOK ew.

4.  Add some mushrooms and ground black pepper.

5.  Meanwhile, cut the sausage into bite size pieces.  I suppose you could remove the casings and crumble the sausage prior to cooking but who has the time or inclination for that?

6.  Once the mushrooms have softened, remove from heat.

7. Place the pizza crust on some aluminum foil or baking sheet. Spread a thin layer of zippy, grainy mustard evenly over it.  Layer on the sausage and heap the kale and mushrooms on top.

8.  Bake at 400 or slightly higher for about 10 minutes (check the crust’s package instructions for guidance on cooking times).

A nice thing about this recipe is it can be made in “shifts.”  So I did all the stove top prep in the morning and refrigerated it and assembled and baked the pizza just before dinner later that day.

It turned out okay.  Mac wasn’t a huge fan but he had a few tastes.  (And really, what more can you ask of a 3-year-old?  It’s KALE.)

kale pizza