Home » For The Last Time, Mommy DOES NOT Have A Penis!

For The Last Time, Mommy DOES NOT Have A Penis!

Time is rapidly getting away from me.  It’s insane how fast the day goes when almost every moment feels like a damned triage situation.  Mac is rapidly barreling towards three years complete with major meltdowns about EVERYTHING, nap refusals, and extreme frustration which nearly always manifests itself as physical aggression.

Anyway, at some point over the past month, he decided to NEVER SHUT UP.  He just yammers on and on and on. . .All day.  And sometimes in his sleep.

I have to admit, I didn’t really expect this from a boy.  I guess I was just under the impression that non-stop talking was mostly a girl thing.

If I’m not foggy from copious amounts of cocktail, well rested, and fully caffeinated, the never-ending loop of nonsense that spews forth from his little face is adorable and therefore tolerable.

The sad truth is, I’m only in the aforementioned state about 3 days a week soooooo the rest of my days are spent trying to interact with someone who is routinely frustrated, won’t shut up long enough to listen to ANYTHING, and frequently has a blanket jammed in his mouth, making deciphering his bullshit nearly impossible.

I should also mention I’m a terrible listener.  I just am.

BUT certain things come out so CLEARLY and so LOUDLY, they don’t require any effort on my part – or unfortunately anyone elses’ to comprehend.

It’s NEVER anything I want anyone else to hear. . .

“Don’t touch poop! Poop!  Poop!  Poop!  That’s dog poop!  Bird poop!  Aha-hahahahahaha Poop!  You have no reason to touch cat poop!”

“Mackin-lin tooted!  Baby tooted!  Toots! Mommy tooted (insert loud bellowing reminiscent of a fog horn)!”  Thanks, Daddy – jerkface.

“Peeing!  Stick is peeing in puddle!  Guess who’s peeing in tub?!”

And then there’s PENIS.

I am asked at least once every 45 seconds if something has a penis.  “Rock has a penis?”  “Turtle has a penis?”  “Mommy has a penis?”

For the record, I’m certain the rock and Mommy don’t have a penis. . .The turtle?  I had to Google that one.  . .by the way the second link to show up is something entitled “Turtles Have Horrifying Penises.”  So now I’m ready for Jeopardy. . .or an AP Biology quiz. . .or something. . .

Look, I get it, I’ve spent a decent amount of time thinking about penises. . .and I don’t even HAVE one.

Do you hear me kid?!  I. Do. Not. Have. A. Penis!  STOP ASKING.  Stop asking in Church.  Stop asking in the Park.  Stop asking every blessed time I use the bathroom. . .especially a PUBLIC bathroom.


I don’t laugh at him when he says it.  I do want to address his curiosity.  I don’t want him embarrassed by his penis – at least not yet. . .

Part of me wonders if I should tell him “Moms’ have vaginas”?  

But I just don’t think having to answer 791 questions a day about vaginas would be good for what little sanity I have left. . .

*In case you were wondering, female turtles DO indeed have vaginas. . .

Polar Bear Has Penis?

Polar Bear Has Penis?






7 Responses to “For The Last Time, Mommy DOES NOT Have A Penis!”

  1. Ayanti says:

    Lols Deni…Mine doesn’t know the word penis yet but it doesn’t stop him from bonding with the little guy either. IT has been exposed to noodles, modelling clay and of course bubbles. Am staying away from Cheerios for the same reason 🙂
    Ayanti recently posted…adventures in parenting-part 2My Profile

  2. richardmax22 says:

    If there is one thing I have learned about kids, whether my own, or grandkids, any word that remotely resembles something taboo to say, they find great pleasure in repeating it. It has to be demonic! How else can it be explained? We don’t laugh at it. We don’t encourage it. Or, to the other extreme, we threaten bodily harm…it makes no difference. They somehow believe they have single-handedly found the “Fountain Of Humour!”

    • admin says:

      Ahhhhhnnnddd, most of the time, they have found the “Fountain of Humour.” Right? Because as painful as it is, it’s still pretty darned funny.

      It’s almost a shame to ignore it. . .

      Insert “Mac tooted!” comment here.

      (DO I mention he shouldn’t announce it? Or just ignore? What if I’m pretty sure he didn’t even toot?)


  3. […] he getting enough calcium?  How do I get him to stay in his bed?  What’s up with all the penis talk?  Should I be concerned he still doesn’t really give a damn about playing with other […]

  4. yfn jman says:

    lol! that’s boys for ya! it doesn’t get much better as they get older, either. my GF has a 5 yo. he walks around most of the day talking “pampers, butt, smelly butt”. you get were i’m going here.

    it’s the same thing with my boys. and they’re 13 and 10! body parts, body noises, body smells…the basis for juvenile humor…

    btw…the 5 year old? he pronounces “vagina” as “china”.
    yfn jman recently posted…Toy Fair 2014: Showroom HighlightsMy Profile

    • admin says:

      I’m right there with your 5 year old. . .except at this stage in my existence, I prefer to think of it as “fine china.” Hilarious. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading and commenting and responding to my tweet. I appreciate it.