Home » Of Toddler Beds, Bacardi, and Other Assorted Bullshit

Of Toddler Beds, Bacardi, and Other Assorted Bullshit

Here I am again feeling a tad lousy about my extended absence.  It’s been a little nutso in these parts.  Nothing particularly bad mind you.  In fact, everyone seems to be healthy and happy.  I’ve just done a terrible job getting myself focused.  . .

Seems once you get out of the habit of getting awake every morning long before dawn to spew your snark all over the Internets, it takes a LOT of effort to get that discipline back. . .

It’s not lack of material.  I have plenty of material.  (Aren’t you thrilled?)

Where to even start?   

So sometime late last week, I put Mac in his crib for nap.  It wasn’t exactly going smoothly because we had a bit of a disagreement in the Park which resulted in his being confined to the stroller as a consequence and therefore less than optimally tired at nap time.

Yet, despite his protests, I put him in the crib and asked him to at least rest for a little while, because without some afternoon quiet time, we’re both complete jerks for the rest of the day.

I just knew things weren’t going to go well.  So rather than descend two flights of stairs and have to rush right back, I decided to make a quick pit stop in our upstairs washroom.

I very quietly unlatched the child proofing on the toilet and perched.  Not more than a quarter of my bladder’s contents later, did Mac come marching into the bathroom.

He stomped up to me, got his face inches from mine, squinted evilly at me and whispered in a threatening tone, “Got. Out. Of. Cribby.”

Then he aggressively flushed the toilet (before I was even done!) and marched back out of the bathroom.


“Hey. . .come wash your hands. . .”


He got out of cribby?

Every childhood milestone is more terrifying than the last.  

I faked cool and calm and put him back in the crib because well, I’m nothing if not delusional.  And then I stood in the doorway and watched him swing his chubby little leg over the crib rail and dismount like a pro.  He glared at me again and then smiled the wickedest, proudest grin he could muster.

Mah-vha-lous.  We’re F%^&*cked.

I picked him up and rushed to the main floor.  Hands trembling I scooped a plastic tumbler off the floor that Mac had been playing with earlier, blew the dog hair off its sticky rim, dumped ice into it and covered it with rum.

This cannot be happening!  I had recently gotten the baby to sleep at least 9 hours straight consistently.  And now THIS?!  (I may or may not have pretended at this point a carrot stick was a cigarette.)

“Do you want me to take that one side off the crib?” Chris asked when he got home and heard the news.

This is the sort of question that could only be asked by the gainfully employed spouse who sleeps with headphones so they aren’t bothered by the children and their nighttime disruptions.

“Let me think about it. . .NO!  Hell to the NO!”

“Deni,” Chris said in his talk-me-off-the-ledge tone, “it’s not safe for him to be crawling out of the crib.  You know that.”

Why’s he always pulling the “safe” card on me?  

 You know what’s not safe?!  The amount of alcohol I’m going to need to consume to cope with this situation.  

“I know.  But I think if he’s REALLY tired, he’ll stay in the crib.  He loves his crib.  Just give me a few more days?  Until you get all this extra stuff you’re working on done?  Then we’ll switch up the sleeping arrangements.” I pleaded with him in a slightly (likely very) slurred voice. “Please?”

(Chris had been busy with work stuff and home really late a few nights last week so I was wrangling the kids alone a lot more than my spoiled self is accustomed to.)

Chris agreed.  And things went well for a few more snoozes.

But Saturday our routine got a little wonky with everything else we had going on and shortly after we put Mac to bed, I noticed Mac with his face pressed against the glass of the other bedroom’s door.

Seriously.  We have a glass-paned pocket door on that bedroom.  (Long story).

Less seriously?  He looked hilarious.  His entire face was jammed against it – little pig nose effect and everything.

I just about fell off the bed laughing.

But Chris hadn’t had time to get his ear buds in and he was still awake.

“Deni, don’t you dare laugh at him!  He’s going to think this is a game!  We can’t have him running all over the upstairs while we try to sleep.”


“Hahahahahaha- turn head to the side, bury it in shoulder, hahahahaha, snort, cackle, you put him back to bed!  I’m feeding the baby and you don’t have to work tomorrow.  Hahahahaha!”

Giving Chris complete props, he did get Mac back to bed with barely a peep.

But yesterday, I KNEW we needed to get the crib converted to the toddler bed.  So I took Mac to Target to buy a brand new fun bedding while Chris messed around with the crib.

Chris and I raced around to launder everything and get it set up while we had dinner and gave Mac his bath.

And when we showed him what we had done?

Mac went crazy.  He was jumping around screaming “Mackin-lin snuggles Mackin-lin!  Special bed!”  It was so stinking cute it even melted my snarky heart at little.

Ahhhhhhnnnndddddd. . .then I had to explain to him he had to stay there to sleep.  Cue the drama.   Still, we all pulled it together and Mac slept just fine.

So this afternoon, I took Mac to “special cribby” for his nap.  I don’t think I’ve ever done more nervous sweating in all my life.  Please.  Snooze.  

We had a banana.  Read some books.  Got under covers.

I started to back out of the room. . .

Which is how I discovered that Mac STILL gets out of the bed by climbing up one of the remaining HIGH sides and swinging his legs over!  

And that’s when I texted Mr. Safety confessing I had inadvertently trashed a piece of his ear buds (Ooops!) and to please get more Bacardi.


At least I know where one of them is. . .most of the time

At least I know where one of them is. . .most of the time




6 Responses to “Of Toddler Beds, Bacardi, and Other Assorted Bullshit”

  1. sarcasmica says:

    great job, momma. just be glad it wasn’t twins!

  2. Meghan says:

    Oh hun – you’re lucky you lasted this long! Avery climbed out of his crib a year ago! And I’m still struggling with him staying in his bed. It takes 30-60 minutes a night after I put him to bed (after books and songs) of him getting up and coming out of his room and me putting him back in and him yelling ‘ mommy come!’ At least I know I’m not alone…

    good luck!
    Meghan recently posted…ALMOST HALFWAYMy Profile

    • admin says:

      You are definitely not alone! I felt so fortunate Mac stayed in his crib this long. Right now, he’s really inconsistent with staying in the bed. Sometimes we have no problem and other times, it’s like you mentioned a 60 minute ordeal. And when he starts panic-screaming “Mommy” you really have to address it – no one wants to feel abandoned by their mother. Right? Or am I setting up a bad habit? I don’t have any freaking clue what I’m doing. I just keep sticking him back in the bed as calmly as possible. Typically while trying to keep the baby from freaking out ’cause then it’s really a mess. haha.

  3. richardmax22 says:

    I remember watching America’s Funniest Video. A father would go in time after time and lay his crying child back down in his crib to no avail. But when he put on a woman’s wig, whereas he was supposedly not recognized, the child immediately layed down when told to.

    • admin says:

      He probably scared that poor kid half to death! haha. Did the kid do something to his crotch? America’s Funniest Videos seems to involve a lot of men being hit randomly in the groin. 🙂