Home » Husband Speaks, Effectively Cock-blocking HIMSELF

Husband Speaks, Effectively Cock-blocking HIMSELF

So not that it bothers me much given my hugely pregnant state, but suffice to say there aren’t exactly any fireworks in our bedroom these days.

Maybe it’s the twin beds?

Whatever the reason, I think it’s starting to get to my Husband a little bit. . .Just yesterday he somehow put a dent in the car AND I caught him sneaking lusty glances at the sleep wear section of my Land’s End End of Season Sale circular.

He seems all kinds of twitchy and grouchy.  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  I’m pretty certain I’m just one botched dinner away from becoming the subject of a Dateline Prime Time Special. . .“They appeared to have an idyllic marriage. . .One day they went birding. . .but only one of them returned. . .”

Now most of the time I’m the one to blame when things get a little slow between the sheets.  I have every excuse in the book.  Haven’t showered in DAYS, exhaustion, hangnail. . .BUT I’m NOT taking full responsibility for this one. . .

See, my Husband seems to have perfected the art of cock-blocking HIMSELF.

Being the caring and dutiful wife that I am, for a few weeks now, (yes WEEKS PEOPLE!!!) I’ve gotten awake with SEX on my mental to-do list.  Every morning, I rush, rush, rush to get things in order so I have time to relax for a few minutes in the afternoon.  So dinner isn’t rushed.  So we have time to do something fun in the evening as a family.  So Mac’s bedtime routine goes smoothly.  Ever hopeful that we’ll have the time and energy to pretend we aren’t old and exhausted once we retire to our own bed(s).

And every evening, I think romantic thoughts like, “Look how hot he is cleaning up that dirty diaper.”  And  “This is such a nice hike, the scent of DEET  is getting me so worked up!”  And “This was such a romantic dinner” while I meticulously scrape 8 teaspoons of couscous out of the crevices of the kids’ booster seat.

And I think about clever and naughty ways to request an invitation over to “Chris'” bed for some slap and tickle.

But every time, Chris somehow manages to thwart my attempts at intimacy. . .

One recent evening, as I entered our bedroom, he glared at me, struggling with his bed linens and said, “When you make my bed, can you please not push it so far against the wall?!”  Being treated like housekeeping is NOT a turn on.

Last night I came to bed and witnessed him struggling with one of the cats – who clearly needed affection too.  When I asked what was going on, Chris snapped at me, “I’m trying to read!” Slammed his book shut, rolled over, and went to sleep without so much as even a “good night.”   Okay.  Never mind.  If your favorite cat isn’t even getting any affection, I’m certainly not.

Sometimes the cock-blocking offense happens long before we even get to our bedroom:  Arriving home from work, finding me in a ratty T-shirt and saying, “I see you prettied yourself all up today.”  Complaining about “how filthy” something is when he KNOWS I spend a crazy amount of time and energy attempting to keep our house in order.  Justifying his 25 minute nighttime oral care routine by saying “Good oral hygiene has been linked to longevity” when he knows damned well I’ll be lucky to even brush my teeth before bed. . . .I’m almost always being reminded of something I’m doing incorrectly:  the way I park the car, the amount of soap I put in the laundry, the time of day I administer the kid’s antibiotics (I AM NOT WAKING A SLEEPING TODDLER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO FORCIBLY CRAM DRUGS DOWN HIS THROAT), the consistency of the cookies I bake. . .the way I BREATHE!

I don’t think I’m high maintenance.  I’m pretty easy, actually.

I don’t need date nights, or flowers, or spa days. . .

I don’t want sweeping romantic gestures, lavish gifts or to be showered with compliments. . .

I just need my Husband to stop the cock-blocking with all his stupid TALKING!

He has NO IDEA how wild it would get around here if he could just SHUT IT ALREADY. . .

Assuming I don’t have a hangnail, of course. . .