Home » Sh*^%t My Dad Did: Parenting “Genius” Volume 1

Sh*^%t My Dad Did: Parenting “Genius” Volume 1

Long-time readers might be aware I lost my Father a few years ago.  He and I were very close.   He was quite a character and I could write volumes about him. . .but I haven’t.  And since his Grandchildren will never know him, I thought it might be a good idea to get down some of the “highlights” before too much time passes. . .

Which is why you’re going to be reading today about one of his most legendary parenting tactics.

Stick with me. . .I promise it’s not all sad and sentimental. . .

First of all, you need the basic background:  My parents were divorced.  And not cordial.  At. All. Ever.  My Mother retained primary custody of my two sisters and me and my Father traveled a LOT since he worked in the construction industry.  Unfortunately, he was gone more than he was around.  However, he did try to make efforts to keep connected with us as best as he could over the years.  The whole situation was generally a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching mess for everyone involved.

Plus my Father worked a LOT.  I’m not certain I’ve ever met anyone with his work ethic.  The day he became ill?  He was getting ready for work.  Gravely ill AND still going to work. . .

Anyway, with all that working and traveling, there’s not a whole lot left of oneself to give to others.  And while, I think my Father very much enjoyed having children and he was good with children, he probably often lacked the requisite amount of energy to “deal” with them in the ahem traditional sense. . .Good thing for us he was very smart and supremely resourceful. . .

Parenting Genius:  How To  Save Money And Relax While Amusing Kids Ages 4 to 8

Tell your young and still naive kids you are taking them to Chuck E. Cheese.   They’ve been begging to go right?  Won’t shut up about it.  

Take them to your favorite regular dive bar on a Saturday mid-morning.  The timing is key.  You want to make sure the bar is nearly empty.

Usher the kids into the bar with gusto, all the while assuring them this IS Chuck E. Cheese.  Excitedly show them the video poker machine, the jukebox, and the Keno screens.  Give them a fist-full of dollar bills, order a round of “Shirley Temples” and tip the bartender generously.  Order yourself a cocktail, read a newspaper, and watch some sports. . .

When the kids start asking where the pizza is, call for delivery.  When the kids start asking where that gigantic mouse Chuck E. is, call over the lonely half soused guy at the end of the bar and convince the kids he IS Chuck E. Cheese.

NOTES:  Your acting/sales skills are KEY.  Kid’s can sense when something’s amiss.  (Although, having stupid kids will help).  Enjoy it while it lasts.  This will likely work ONLY once. . .Both the kids AND the bartender will make sure of that.  However, you will have scored some downtime while simultaneously convincing the kids that “Chuck E. Cheese” is the dumbest most boring place in the world and they will NEVER ask you to take them there again.

Parenting Genius:  How To Save Money And Relax While Amusing Kids Ages 8-13

Want to spend some quality time with your three daughters?  The problem is they are getting to that angsty tween age where they would rather spend time with their friends.  You need a PLAN!

Invite your daughters and their besties for a visit.  Saturday morning tell them you are taking them somewhere fun to dance.  This works particularly well if your daughters and their friends take dance lessons and are all excited to show off their skills.

Patiently wait while six girls primp (and argue).  Load them into a large van you borrowed from a friend because you can’t fit 6 kids in a Corvette.

Drive the kids to nondescript building off a moderately busy highway in a sad-looking part of town.  Usher them into a cavernous dark space, using a side entrance.  Excitedly point out the stage, the chrome poles, the comfy chairs.  Ask an employee to “turn on the lights and music.”  Watch the kids’ eyes light up at the glitz and noise.  Take a seat and place a lunch order. . .

Relish your quiet lunch while your daughters and their friends practice their ballet on a STRIPPER POLE!

NOTES:   This will only work if you know the owner of a strip club. . .who apparently owes you a favor.

Years later when I FINALLY figured out my Father had taken us to a strip club and I asked him about it, he laughed and asked if I remembered the shrimp salad.  And I did!  They had excellent shrimp salad!  

I miss you Dad.  The first time I take your Grandsons to “Chuck E. Cheese,” I’ll be certain to raise a glass in your honor!  🙂

 

 

 

2 Responses to “Sh*^%t My Dad Did: Parenting “Genius” Volume 1”

  1. Robin says:

    I nearly snorted steaming hot coffee out of my nose at the strip club dance party. Delightful!
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