Home » Sh%*^&$)t I Wish My Kid Would Un-Learn

Sh%*^&$)t I Wish My Kid Would Un-Learn

New(ish) parent?  Reading this with your beautiful bundle of joy perfectly swaddled, cradled in the your arms, sleeping peacefully?  Can you barely breathe when you see her beautiful face?  Soooooo dreamy. . .

WAKE UP!  SNAP OUT OF IT!  

In a few short months, that swaddle won’t work worth a damn and while your co-existence will still hopefully be kinda’ dreamy, it sure as hell won’t be peaceful.

In a few short months, your beautiful little baby will be a toddler.

A willful, defiant, testy little toddler.

Heed my warning:  You MUST prepare NOW!

It’s never too early!  GET WITH IT!

Years ago, I got my first puppy.  Wanting to be a responsible dog-owner, I purchased a book that discussed training techniques.  While the name of the book and most of the techniques it included escape me, I clearly remember ONE thing:

 Never allow a puppy to do something you wouldn’t want a full-grown dog doing.

Mmmmm hmmmm. . .You follow?

Makes perfect sense, right?

But for some reason, it never occurred to apply this amazing bit of advice to my baby.

That was a mistake.

IT TOTALLY APPLIES TO A BABY!!

Don’t allow a baby to do something you wouldn’t want a toddler doing!  

But we did. . .And now I spend my days regretting it.

TOUCH LIGHT?

Early on, most babies are fascinated by lights.  They gaze at them contentedly.  In a few months they might even stretch their pudgy little arms curiously towards them.  At this point your AHEM HUSBAND might think to himself, “What’s the harm?  I’ll just let baby gently touch this beautiful glass pendant, or spectacular chandelier.  Just gently.  It’s good for babies to experience new things.”

STOP!  CHECK YOURSELF!  DO NOT LET YOUR AHEM, HUSBAND ALLOW THAT BABY TOUCH A LIGHT!

Allowing a baby to touch a light will ensure in a few short months you will find yourself before bedtime in a nearly pitch black room repeatedly reading Baby Bear, Baby Bear from memory because you had to remove all floor and table lamps.  You’ll be held hostage in the lighting section of the home improvement center while your toddler scrutinizes the lighting options will all the intensity of an interior designer.  You’ll lose years off your life when you witness your toddler recklessly careening towards the reptile heat lamps at the nature center.  You’ll stand mortified in the museum of art, toddler flailing himself on the floor at your feet because he can’t understand why he can’t touch the neon lights in a particular exhibit.

No amount of warning “HOT!” or “DANGER!” will deter your toddler.   The lure of the lighting is just too great.  You will have night terrors involving third degree burns, broken light bulbs, and electrocution.

Do yourself a favor:  Do NOT make a big deal out of a stupid light.

TOUCH FAN?

Similar to lights, most babies enjoy fans.  They provide interesting movement, a refreshing breeze, and blissful white noise.  Soon enough, they’re going to want to touch the fan.

Under no circumstances should you or your AHEM HUSBAND, allow the child to touch any part of the fan – not the base, not the on/off switch, not the pull chains in the case of a ceiling fan.  Just DO NOT.

Lest you find yourself red-faced in every public space you enter while your toddler inspects and practically licks the filthy air registers.  (And they are ALWAYS filthy).  You will exit the home improvement center every single time to distraught wails of protest “TOUCH FAN?!  TOUCH FAN?!”  You’ll find yourself screaming like a woman possessed as the toddler makes his way towards a dangerous looking massive, loudly whirling outdoor air conditioning unit.

At home, you’ll find yourself sweating and tiptoeing around continually.  Because it will soon become readily apparent that even though your AHEM HUSBAND thought he was being all smart by just allowing the toddler to touch the base of the fan, the toddler will not use such restraint when he’s attempting to access said fan unsupervised.  Therefore, you’ll be forced to remove all fans for his own safety.  No more cool breezes and no more white noise to mask the sound of the wine being uncorked during afternoon nap.

DO NOT screw yourself out of day drinking.  Make fans off-limits from the start.

POW! ! SOFA!  

Do not allow your AHEM, HUSBAND to treat the furniture like playground equipment.  NO matter how delightful baby’s giggles sound when your spouse pretends to “drop” the baby onto the sofa, or bed, or chair, or ottoman, STOP THAT SHIT STAT!

Because, you guessed it:  In a few months, your significantly stronger and physically independent toddler is going to think your furniture IS  playground equipment.  And no matter how well crafted you believe your furniture is, it’s no match for a toddler launching himself off the arm of the sofa 153,678 times a day, every day.

Furthermore, your toddler will operate under the misconception that ALL furniture EVERYWHERE is PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT.  And then you will be forced to endure the horrific sight of your toddler launching himself full throttle at a settee in a classy hotel lobby or museum while screaming “POW!” at the top of his lungs.  You’ll prematurely exit the homes of your friends and relations because your toddler just will NOT stop crawling all over the tables and chairs.  No amount of distraction will suffice.  The kid has a one track mind:  POW!  SOFA!!

Sofas and chairs are for sitting. . .or slumping in the case of too much day drinking. . .Teach your kid to respect that shit at an early age.

MISCELLANEOUS

Here’s a list of other regrettable and seemingly un-teachable things my AHEM HUSBAND has shown our kid:

1.  Allowing him to slop a straw, crayons, or utensils in a drinking glass at a restaurant.

2.  Running with big sticks.

3.  Throwing rocks into water.

4.  Swiping his credit and debit cards at retail establishments.

5.  Teaching him the lyrics to a circa 1998 song by Everything called Hooch.

"Who got the hooch bay-bee?  Who's got the fresh - eeeee- fresh?  Who got the only sweetest thing in the world?"

“Who got the hooch bay-bee? Who’s got the fresh – eeeee- fresh? Who got the only sweetest thing in the world?”

 

 

 

6 Responses to “Sh%*^&$)t I Wish My Kid Would Un-Learn”

  1. Eeeek- you’re so right. I failed to make the sofa/playground equipment distinction so badly when mine were little that my 6-year-old still thinks it’s fine to saunter along the back of it and perform an olympics-worthy somersault dismount onto its now seriously sagging seat.
    Your son must have it sewn up tho- how can you say no to a face like that??!!

  2. Jennifer says:

    I hear ya. My daughter is adopted and has multiple disabilities, being non verbal one of these. She has been with us for 3 years now but it has only been in the last 6-8 months that she has really formed emotional attachments to us. When she first started this process of attaching and showing affection she would twine her sweet little fingers into the hair at the base of my neck and give me a hug. Wonderful, precious sweetness!
    Not so much anymore :-/ Now she uses my hair to express the intensity of any given emotion she is having. Excitement; grab and pull. Happy; grab and pull. Hungry; grab, pull and complain. Angry; grab, rip, yell, and scratch. Need to stand up; grab moms hair.
    And all I wanted was a hug. She does give the sweetest hugs on earth if I can manage to get her fingers out of my hair.
    The cure seems to be for me to give the back of her hair a quit tug. She really hates that. Gee, who would have guessed that it doesn’t feel good to get your hair pulled?
    Jennifer recently posted…New Article on FoundationsMy Profile

    • admin says:

      That’s a dilemma for sure. How clever of you to think to give her hair a bit of a tug in return. I probably never would have thought of that – or else I would have been scared it would have discouraged the hugs. Since she’s non-verbal, do you use signs to communicate? Obviously, you know what she needs a lot of the time, just by being an attentive parent but I’m always curious to know how other parents work around challenges. Best wishes! XO

  3. Meghan says:

    …and he looks so sweet and innocent in that picture 🙂
    Meghan recently posted…Back to Reality…My Profile

    • admin says:

      He’s sweet. . .but definitely getting LESS INNOCENT! Ha! I’m glad you had a great vacation! I cannot get over how BIG Avery looks in the photos! He’s becoming a big boy so quickly! And so cute!

  4. […] how I mentioned one of the parenting decisions I regret most was allowing my baby to TOUCH things he probably had no business […]