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Dispatches from a Pregnant Bitch

My Husband.  He’s adorable.

Me?  I’m a pregnant bitch.


Last weekend:  

Me:  “Ugh.  Sorry, it takes forever to poop.”

Him:  (Excitedly) “I KNOW!”

Me:  “It’s because of the pregnancy.  Everything slows down.  It’s not typically an issue.”

Him:  “Oh.  What’s my problem then?”

Me:  “I’ve been wondering that for the past ten years. . .”


Last week via text message:

Husband:  “Hope you’re having a good day.  I couldn’t remember, did a nurse at the hospital ask if Mac was ‘the one with the vanishing twin?'”

Me:  “I think she might have been a Physician’s Assistant.  She gave Mac the once-over to make sure he was ok to go home.”

Husband:  “I was telling a co-worker the story and couldn’t remember what was said.  It seems like a long time ago but was only 2 years.”

Me:  “She literally had her hand on the doorknob and was all ‘by the way, is this the baby with the vanishing twin?’  It’s been evidentially long enough for me to forget how wretched the experience was.  I’m dreading it.”

Husband:  “Sorry to bring it up.  Do we need to try to get a Mudula.”

Me:  “Do you mean a doula?!”

Where the hell did he learn what a doula is?  


The Conversation we SHOULD have had the other evening:

Me:  “Please, please, please don’t make me hike with you two this evening.  It’s too hot and I’m so sweaty and I seem to have a hemorrhoid hitchhiker.”

Him:  “What’s the big deal?  We’ll hike somewhere cooler and shady?”

Me:  “The big deal is I have what feels like a fireball wedged in a very uncomfortable spot!  GAWD YOU’RE SO CLUELESS!  AND I HATE BEING PREGNANT! RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!”


So yeah.  That’s what’s up around here. 

Meanwhile, I’m not constipated so please spare me your remedies.  But feel free to share any other poop related stories.  Mac did NOT have a vanishing twin (that I know about).  We aren’t using a doula because with my stupid high risk pregnancy, what’s the point?  I did go hiking and all that stuff you read about how exercise is supposed to release a bunch of endorphins and make you feel better?  Complete and utter crap.




2 Responses to “Dispatches from a Pregnant Bitch”

  1. Dani Ryan says:

    Yup. I remember those days. I would give you the whole, “IT GETS BETTER!” spiel, but I don’t want you to stop liking me, so… Have some chocolate?
    Dani Ryan recently posted…Oversharing: When tampons go missingMy Profile

    • admin says:

      At least for the most part, I still feel pretty good. It’s the craziest thing. . .Even though the baby is measuring just right for his age and I’m practically mainlining peanut butter, chocolate, cake, and ice cream, (Ha), I’ve only gained about 3 pounds. Last pregnancy I was well on my way to putting on the typical 25-30 pounds at this point. I guess chasing after a toddler has its advantages? I think it’s keeping me from being exhausted and miserable. Of course, I still have about 3 months to go. . .but so far, I’m pleasantly surprised. . .

      Now, can we do anything about how I literally salivate thinking about how good a cold glass of wine or beer would taste? Or something fruity and frozen. . .Seriously, it’s been so hot, I’m CRAVING booze. I keep telling myself, maybe Labor Day weekend, I’ll treat myself to a little – just a few sips. . .either that or I had better look for a treatment program to enter postpartum. hahaha!