Home » GAH!! Revenge of the Mommy Guilt!

GAH!! Revenge of the Mommy Guilt!

It’s been one of THOSE mornings.

Our Internet didn’t seem to be working correctly this morning.  Yet, everything I checked said it was working.

And because I’m no technical genius, I thought perhaps my issue involved the 8 million updates I’ve been neglecting on our devices.  So I started updating software. (Or something?  At least that’s what I thought I was doing?)

And then I realized I had no idea what our Apple password was and I tried to have the reset emailed to me but duh. . .no email. . .And how fraking long does that take anyway Apple?  Cuz it’s been HOURS! #$$%^$%#@^&%$!!!!!!

So long story short, I’m pretty sure I’ve completely jacked up our Apple AND email accounts.  However, the Internet IS working again at the moment. . .

And because I wasn’t feeling frustrated or incompetent enough, I broke a few dishes for good measure (after I vacuumed the floor) and squirted half a container of face wash all over myself and the clean bathroom.

So maybe I need to slow the eff down?

It sounds dreamy.

EXCEPT the kid’s going to be awake any minute and that means I need to figure out how to keep him happy and occupied for the next five hours in 100 degree heat and oppressive humidity.

I’m feeling a little guilty.  As I’m rushing to get the house in order for the next kid, every so often I find myself mentally placing Mac on the list with my joyless household chores and other minor annoyances.

And he doesn’t deserve to be there.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not mean to him or impatient.  I still try to be fun and energetic and so forth when we are together.  But I know I’m not completely present a lot lately.

That cramp:  is it a contraction?  Why am I so dizzy all of a sudden?  Did we drink enough water?  Where can we hide from this heat?  Even getting in the car is a chore.  Why can’t he just play quietly for 10 minutes while I brush my teeth and wash my face?  Where will the baby bottles go?  Why didn’t I start dinner sooner?  I can’t believe I can’t get this laundry folded.  Is there a mosquito in the house? Is the AC running too much in this heat?  Will it break?  Did he just dump cumin all over the floor?!*

*The answer to that last one is yes.  Yes he did.  I freaking hate cumin.  

I’m sure this is normal.  I’m sure it won’t be the last time I feel this way.  I’m trying to take it all in stride. . .

Remind myself that joy is a choice. . .

That I have to actively make time for happiness in my life.  That if I don’t work at it, then all the other nagging and less pleasurable aspects of my existence  – the endless chore list, July heat or January cold, that stupid cramp, will certainly take over and threaten my happiness.

And that’s not the person OR the parent I aspire to be. . .

Whatcha' haulin' around in there?  Joy or Grumpiness and Guilt?  How 'bout graham crackers?  Have any of those?

Whatcha’ haulin’ around in there? Joy or Grumpiness and Guilt? How ’bout graham crackers? Have any of those?


4 Responses to “GAH!! Revenge of the Mommy Guilt!”

  1. Meredith says:

    Hang in there; it will get better!

    But, what I *really* want to comment about is that I was totally cracking up at the graham cracker portion of the picture caption!! 🙂

    • admin says:

      Thanks Meredith! All of it is really wonderful in the whole bigger picture – we are very fortunate and sometimes I just need to REMEMBER that. I’m glad you liked the graham cracker joke. We don’t want things getting too heavy around here. Ha! And he really did want a graham cracker. XO

  2. Dani Ryan says:

    Thank you for this. I need these reminders too sometimes. Lately I’ve been trying to cram a lot of stuff into my days, and I often find myself staring at my daughter as I put her into her crib at the end of the day thinking, “I need to be more present.” I love being busy in the day, but I need to remember to slow down and just ENJOY things once in a while, you know?
    Dani Ryan recently posted…Oversharing: When tampons go missingMy Profile

    • admin says:

      It’s so difficult. I’ve never really talked to my own Mother about it, but I wonder if she felt the same way when we were young? If she had to “try” harder to be present or if she was? I don’t recall her seeming distracted. . .She played with us and we did all sorts of fun stuff and our house was still clean and so forth. Maybe I’m too obsessive about it? Maybe the kid doesn’t even notice a little distraction? I should ask my Mom and my Aunt and my Grandmother sometime. . .see what they thought. . .Of course that didn’t have Twitter either. Ha!