Home » In Which Reluctant Mother Plots The Demise Of A SHIM.

In Which Reluctant Mother Plots The Demise Of A SHIM.

Um yeah. . .Looks as if it’s another week of being a blog slacker.  Still working on getting the house all prettied up and functional. Yesterday morning instead of posting I made an even bigger mess of the living room.

Since I’ve emptied the room to the point where there’s an echo, it’s mind-boggling that I somehow managed to make such a mess.  It guess it’s a gift?  Maybe I should just stick to blogging and forget the home “improvement”?

Speaking of home improvement, ermahgawdyouguys the SHIMS!!!

Know what I’m talking about?  Those little wood slivers you can use to prop stuff up?  Level things?  Splintery, wretched, annoying as fuck lawd do I HATE YOU SHIMS!?

Get a load of that evil little bastard?  Look at that wicked splinter on the side of his head!

Get a load of that evil little bastard? Look at that wicked splinter on the side of his head!

If you live in a relatively “new” home where things are level and square, chances are you haven’t had a lot of contact with SHIMS.  Lucky bastards.

We do not live in a newer home.  We live in a 103 year-old house.  With SHIMS.  Lots and lots of SHIMS.

Very few things in this house are square or level.  Everything is all catawampus!   Even the most simple projects become a hassle because nothing is level.

Fortunately, there are SHIMS, at the ready to be wedged under a corner of a bookcase or a hunk of molding to help keep everything flush and on an even keel.

Except SHIMS apparently only travel in groups of 50 or more and they must multiple like rabbits.  Because I’m finding them all over my DAMNED house.

I thought I had successfully eliminated our SHIM problem a few years ago.  It was right around Thanksgiving 2009.  At the time, my Dad mentioned he needed to pick up some SHIMS.

“WAIT!”  I hollered. “We have about 2500 SHIMS just sitting around.  We don’t need them anymore now that we’re done with our house.  I’ll bring you some.”

“Done” with our house.  Right.  What a joke!

I gleefully packed up all the shims, drove them 4o miles away and released them into my Father’s home, hoping to never see them again.

And for a few years, I didn’t see another SHIM.   It was glorious.  

But of course recently, we’ve been doing a few home improvement projects, and one day I stumbled upon this in the basement:

Look at them all!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  GAWD NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Look at them all! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! GAWD NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

What are all these SHIMS doing back in my house?!  Do you know how long it will take us to eradicate this infestation?!

I wanted to scream at Chris for re-introducing them into our house.  They are a literally a splintery pain to touch.  They take up space.  They lurk around doing unsavory things.

He's looking at me isn't he?

He’s looking at me isn’t he?

Look how evil!  There's no doubt he was responsible for completely dismembering Mr. Potato Head.

Look how evil! There’s no doubt he was responsible for completely dismembering Mr. Potato Head.

Just knowing they are skulking around in our basement gives me the willies.  I know they are down there throwing wild parties and performing lewd and lascivious acts all night long.

Source:  Surveillance Video

Source: Surveillance Video

I JUST want rid of them already!

Unfortunately, we have a LOT more shelving to install.  So I have to bide my time. . .

But the day WILL come. . .

Maw-hahahahaha!

Maw-hahahahaha!

Sleep lightly, SHIMS, Sleep lightly. . .

PS I’m beginning to think perhaps I need to be painting in a better ventilated environment. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Responses to “In Which Reluctant Mother Plots The Demise Of A SHIM.”

  1. Oh I’m with you sister! I hate home improvement! I just kicked a bunch of shims out of my house the other week too!
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