Home » I Say This A LOT BUT, I’ve Achieved A New All-TIme Parenting Low

I Say This A LOT BUT, I’ve Achieved A New All-TIme Parenting Low

So Thursday, I might have been a little crazy.

I got up at 4AM and couldn’t get back to sleep.  So I proceeded to do a ton of laundry, clean the house, bag up a bunch of stuff for Goodwill, take Mac for a long walk in the park and to the playground.  While he napped, I did a some yard-work and gardening.  When he got awake, I took him BACK to the playground while Chris went running.

So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when that somewhat unsettling and excruciating pain returned to my  lower right side. . .

And yes, I’m still pretty irritated with my OB practice.  Thanks to them I have to shower and SHAVE everyday just in case I have to haul my ass to the emergency room sometime in the next few weeks.  

Come Friday morning, I was strongly admonished by Chris to take it easy and not do anything remotely stressful.

Deal.

Plus it was raining.

Perfect day for accomplishing nothing.

Except, long about 11 AM, the rain had diminished to barely a drizzle.  I had been checking bird alerts from around the State all morning and people were reporting varying degrees of bird fallout due to the wind and rain that blew through in the past 12 hours or so.

Fallout?!

Even though Patterson Park is an urban park, it’s pretty big and strange things do turn up sometimes.

Hmmm. Surely a quick little walk wouldn’t hurt?  Probably be good for me.  Walking isn’t that strenuous and if anything starts bugging me, I can head home immediately to rest.

The lure of a new or rare bird sighting was just too great.  To the park we went.

But here’s the thing.  I hadn’t really planned to trek around the Park, so I hadn’t really moderated my morning beverage consumption.  Coffee, Decaf, water. . .Enough to float a small boat. . .Managing my birth compromised and pregnancy plagued bladder was going to be a serious challenge on this walk.

Undeterred, we geared up and headed out.

Things were going well and I made it around the boat lake without issue.  But as I trekked up the hill to the backside of the lake, my bladder was starting to send signals I couldn’t ignore.  FULL!  FULL!  FULL!  Hurts to walk, FULL!!

I wasn’t too concerned since my favorite spot-a-pot was about 50 yards away.

I ignored my bladder a little longer, scouring the trees and ground in the area for “new” birds.  After I was satisfied I had given everything a good once-over, we made a beeline for the spot-a-pot.

As I mentioned in a previous post, this spot-a-pot isn’t wonderful by any stretch but it’s handicap accessible, which means it’s large enough for me to drag the stroller (and Mac) in with me.  Additionally, I am becoming familiar with the maintenance schedule for the “facilities” and I knew that on a Thursday there was a good chance there wouldn’t be toilet paper or hand sanitizer however, things wouldn’t be completely disgusting in there yet. . .

I had started to carry my own toilet paper and hand sanitizer so nothing was stopping me from a nice long satisfying tinkle.

Or so I thought. . .

I grabbed some of my own toilet paper and used it to grasp the door handle.

BUT when I opened the door I laid eyes upon the most appalling mess I had seen in years!  (Yes, it rivaled this one).

There was excrement all over the seat and sides of the toilet.  On the floor were the culprit’s underwear and jeans!

Yes.  Someone exited that spot-a-pot in the middle of a very busy PUBLIC park without pants! HOW?!

If I didn’t have to pee so freaking badly, I would have marveled at the absolutely wretched sight longer.  It was very impressive.  (How?  How does this happen to someone?  I understand having an emergency, but really?  It. Blows. My. Mind.  In fact, if I were a researcher, I’d totally write a grant request to research the kind of person that craps everywhere and leaves their pants behind too.  What must go on in their heads?  Picture me in a white lab coat, very scientifically asking subject to crap while we MRI scan his brain. . .).

Anyway, my wonder was rapidly ruined by the realization that I had NO WHERE TO PEE!!!

Just the day prior, I had attempted to use the OTHER handicap accessible spot-a-pot at the northwest corner of the park, and found it to be chained shut!  I can’t imagine why they would do such a thing after seeing how this one was defiled.  I couldn’t count on that one to be unlocked today.  Plus, there was a very good chance that I didn’t have time to get the whole way to that side of the park.

The situation was URGENT.

So urgent, that I opened the door to the spot-a-pot one more time, just to see if there was ANY WAY I could possibly use it.  It was a disgusting thought, but I was becoming very uncomfortable and panicked.  One little sneeze, cough, or wheeze and my sneakers were getting a shower.

I slammed the door shut and turned around to survey my options.

There were two spot-a-pots not too far away.  They were NOT the bigger handicap accessible kind, and they were surrounded by little metal enclosures (I guess to keep folks from tipping them?  I don’t know).  One was located further up hill so I nixed that option.  The other was located downhill and was about halfway to home.

There is also a coffee shop located just outside the park not too far from where we were.  I had my wallet.  I could buy Mac a cookie and use their restroom.  EXCEPT I had never been in their restroom and I had no idea if the stroller would fit in there.  Furthermore, I knew it had to be past noon, and there was a really good chance the place had closed for the day.

Use the spot-a-pot that’s halfway home, Deni!  You’ll have to leave Mac outside but only for a couple of seconds.  Plus, maybe you’ll feel like you can make it the whole way home by the time you pass it!  

I aimed the stroller that direction.  But after we took a few steps, I noticed a van pull up on the road in front of it.  And out of the van came eight prisoners on work release.  They were all swarming in the area of my targeted spot-a-pot!

My heart sank.

I couldn’t go in there with all of them around.  And I especially didn’t want to leave Mac outside while I did so.  I know they are supervised and everything but I still couldn’t do it.  I’d rather wet my pants than chance it.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT HOME!!!  FIND A RESTROOM NOW!!

I needed a Hail Mary.

Desperately, my eyes landed on the one spot-a-pot I had discounted all along.  It was NOT handicapped accessible and it was located adjacent to the playground (which is why I had discounted it. . .I didn’t feel like taking Mac to a rain-soaked playground).

But I was desperate.

So we hauled towards our target.

I parked the stroller to the side, with the handle close to the door.  Ripped open the door – no time for procuring some toilet paper to use as a “germ shield” while grabbing the handle.  (That doesn’t work anyway – fecal matter and germs can penetrate layers and layers of toilet paper – I learned that in a microbiology class years ago).

I quickly surveyed the scene.

If I weren’t so desperate, I probably would have rejected these facilities.  They were pretty gross.  Someone left their underwear in the urinal.  Again with the abandoned underwear.  What gives?!  

I didn’t have time to be picky.  I assumed the position.

AND PROCEEDED TO PEE IN THE BUSY PARK WITH THE DOOR HALF OPEN!!

Yes.  I had to leave the door half-open so I could keep one hand on the stroller.  AND because Mac started whining, I had to BABBLE AT HIM THE  WHOLE TIME.

Yet another new parenting low:  Leave your kid outside a public spot-a-pot.  Use said spot-a-pot with the door half-open while singing All Around the Mulberry Bush.

As I was exiting the spot-a-pot, the kinda’ weird guy whose in the park almost every day and mumbles a lot approached me.  “Hey, did you know that bathroom door doesn’t even lock?  You have to be careful using those things.  You never know who or what’s in there.”

You don’t say. . .Like a  Mother who leaves the door open and sings while she pees?  

Whatcha' Doin'?!

Whatcha’ Doin’?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 Responses to “I Say This A LOT BUT, I’ve Achieved A New All-TIme Parenting Low”

  1. I have totally done that before. I even used the stroller handle to prop the door open so I could keep an eye on The Kid while I peed. You have to do what you have to do!
    The Next Step recently posted…L is for Laughing, and Loose Lips Make DripsMy Profile

    • admin says:

      I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I’m pretty sure that crazy guy watched me pee. Which reminds me of my friend Kathy, who in college would pee in front of this guy because he liked it and he paid her to do it. Just pee on the toilet. Nothing fancy. (So weird, right? But hey, at least she didn’t have to worry about some stupid part-time campus job. LOL). Maybe I should consider a similar service? I mean, I’m doing it anyway right? I wonder how that kind of income gets reported on taxes? Today is Monday, so I’m hoping when I go into the park today, “MY” spot-a-pot is CLEAN. Ha!

  2. If that’s your low you’re doing pretty good! I believe my low was the time I did abandon my pants… in a parking lot…. I was 2.5 hours from home with my then 1 year old and was going home after dinner with friends. I apparently got food poisoning during that dinner, and ten minutes into the drive knew it. OMG. I stopped about 5 times, crying most of it, and finally called my husband and told him that I was either sleeping on the side of the road or he was getting someone to drive him to where I was so he could drive the rest of the way home. When they met me on the side of the highway, I was pantless and my car stunk so bad we had to drive the rest of the way with the windows down and my husband telling me he was about to be sick.

    The kid slept the whole time.

    Your story did make me laugh though. A lot! I love you sharing this stuff- my story will certainly never make it to my blog! 🙂
    Anita @ Losing Austin recently posted…This Week’s RandomsMy Profile

    • admin says:

      Oh my goodness! That’s a nightmare – no joking matter AT ALL. In fact, I can’t think of much worse that could happen on a “routine” trip. I’m glad you mentioned the kid slept the whole time. I was wondering whether you had to help the baby too while being so sick? I would have been crying too. You have now scared me into considering packing a small bag of Pepto and other essentials for our cars!

      I will admit, I did giggle just a little at the part where you left you pants in the parking lot. . .I know. I’m horrible.

      Thanks for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed it! 🙂

  3. Rick says:

    Dear Lord I had to make a trip to the crapper to keep from peeing my pants laughing. Up here our Spot-A -Pots are called San-I-Cans. But obviously their sanitary qualities fall under the same lines. Two things that amaze me about these portable toilets. Do human beings actually shit like scatter guns in their own private bathrooms? And why do people find the urge to always write something vulgar on their walls?

    • admin says:

      Ha! I’m glad you enjoyed it. People are definitely um unique. Even in the office where I used to work, folks had some bizarre bathroom habits that we would continually joke about. I don’t know, I was raised that you at least TRY to act normal in public. Like you, I used to say “Do people do this in their own bathrooms?! What must their bathrooms at home look like?! I like San I Can. I had never heard that term before.