Home » I Skipped Church and My Breasts Look Fabulous!

I Skipped Church and My Breasts Look Fabulous!

It’s often all too convenient for a slovenly stay at home mother like myself to ignore her foundation garments.

Don’t worry.  This isn’t a post discussing my quest for fancy knickers.

Or perhaps I owe you an apology?

Because this is about my quest is contain my ample sweater meat.  And I skipped church in my quest to do so.

New  Blog Entry:  We skipped Church but both Daddy and Mommy have been saying AMEN a LOT today.

New Blog Entry: We skipped Church but both Daddy and Mommy have been saying AMEN a LOT today.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have an ample bosom.  Long before Mac was born, my D cup threatened to runneth over.  So I added a few letters to my bra size and upgraded to a minimizer function and tried to forget about the old fun bags.

I avoided button front shirts. . .or added a cute cashmere T-shirt over them to hide any gaping.  I spent a considerable amount of time trying to gage if my breasts appeared symmetrical and appropriately shaped (not too pointy, not to round, not too low, not to high and cleavage-ey) in my public attire.

Then I got knocked up.

And I braced myself.

But none of my ginormous breast-inflation nightmares ever unfolded.  I wore the same couple saggy bras through my entire pregnancy.

And after I was certain breast-feeding wasn’t going to pan out, I purchased a few utilitarian bras, in the size I guessed I was.

They worked out pretty well.  But after 16 months, I had to admit, I had literally stretched these faithful friends to the max.  For a few weeks, I occasionally just wedged my breasts into my pant’s pockets if I was running a quick errand, hoping no one would notice.

Then I got the bright idea that if I just yanked hard enough on the straps, these faithful bras could still serve their purpose.  So I cut and sewed the adjustable parts of the shoulder straps so they wouldn’t slip, slide or budge.

This enabled me to press my every faithful foundation garments into service for a considerably longer time.  It also enabled them to painfully dig themselves into my shoulders.

Lately, though, I was forced to admit, these bras were trash.  They were literally starting to rub me raw over the shoulder, under the arm, along my undoubtedly smokin’ hot and sexy back fat.

I could feel half my breast slip out of the underwire if I raised my arm.  I was continually “adjusting.”

I HAD TO GET NEW BRAS!  After 21 months, I was LONG overdue.

I had read heady claims regarding the magic of having a bra that actually fit.  I read stories in magazines about how a bra should fit.  I knew the terms.  I knew the requisites.  I knew I had to get a bra fitting.

Feeling my boobs slide out of the underside of my chaffing bra was doing nothing for my mental state.

Bra fitting STAT.

So Sunday afternoon after a nice brunch with Chris’ family, after Mac fell asleep in the car, Chris dumped me off in front of the Macy’s.

Chris:  You going to get a little something special?

Me:  Um no.  Budget remember?

Chris:  Will you at least text me photos of the ones you are trying on?

Me:  Certainly not.  But there will probably be some female sales associate helping me put on a bra.

Chris:  Really?  Can you at least text me if she’s hot?

Me:  Slams car door.

The mall was PACKED.  Macy’s was a complete cluster.

I trolled around the intimate apparel department for a bit.  I could only find one sales associate and they seemed to be wholly occupied trying to find a gloriously small breasted woman a “barely there” type bra that had to be made by Calvin Klein, and “couldn’t be too lacy, or too smooth, something in between.”  This woman also had with her a girl who appeared to be about 3 years old and BORED. . .It wasn’t pretty.

At that moment I made the decision to flee to the comforting arms of my old mistress:  Sadly, not church but Nordstrom.

I walked into their Lingerie department to find it pleasantly uncluttered.  They didn’t have a huge selection of the kind of bras I thought I wanted on display but I knew before I could drop serious coin on a bra, I had to be measured. . .and keep an open mind. . .

I approached the lady at the cash register.

“Um. . .I need to purchase some bras but I’m embarrassed to admit I don’t know my size since I had a baby.  Do you do bra fittings?  Could I get one quickly?”

She was like 23.  Enviable eyebrows.  Lovely manicure.  Modest engagement ring.  Stylish black gauzy scarf printed with X’s and O’s.

“Of course!”  She said enthusiastically.  “Let me get my key.”

There’s a secret key for bra fittings?  I started to sweat.  Jesus.  The pressure.

She left another woman who was ready to purchase a bathrobe waiting while I followed a few steps behind her on her quest for the key.  The holy grail of perky boobs!  My stomach was in knots.

Imagine my surprise when she grabbed a key, opened a fitting room door, and stepped in with me.

“What size do you think you are?” She queries.

“Exactly 1.5 of those little personal watermelons on one side, maybe 1.75 on the other” I tell her.

She doesn’t even crack a smile.  Probably because I reek of sweat, spoiled milk, brunch time lox, and desperation.

She wrangles a tape measure around my rib cage and says I likely had the band size correct all along.

She returns with an arm-full of brassieres with letters closer to my middle initial (L) than my first initial (D).

I had never actually been fitted in this fashion before so I ditched my old bra, closed my eyes, baring my saggy sorry excuse for breasts, had her hand me the garment to try on, leaned over like read you should do, and wiggled the gals into the cups.  Then I stood up and turned around with my back towards her so she could hook me up and adjust things.

I wished I was sweating less.  

I refused to look at my pasty white stomach paunch.  NOTE:  Splurge on GOOD muffin top obliterating JEANS next.

Sweet, sweet, ah-mazing gal must have helped me try on 13 different bras.  At least 13 times she had to see my sorry excuse for breasts.

Bless her, she didn’t laugh once.

She didn’t laugh when I insisted I jump up and down to test the “jiggle factor.”  She also didn’t laugh when I asked her to “Please just do whatever it takes to make everything look like it is where it’s supposed to be.”

And she even kept a straight face when I asked to try on a sports bra.

It took about 40 minutes and nearly $150 but I walked out of there with my head and breasts held high.

At least until Chris asked, “What did the sales associate look like?”

28 Responses to “I Skipped Church and My Breasts Look Fabulous!”

  1. This is hilarious!!!

    You and I have the exact opposite problem. I was an A cup before I got pregnant, went up to a C (possibly a D) cup when I was breastfeeding, and now I only wear a bra to prove I’m actually female. Funny enough, my sister is a 44 DD.

    If I didn’t have a girl and feel like I need to teach her to love all of her flaws, I’d so be getting a boob job!

    Glad you got some new underthingies. That’s always fun. 🙂

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Thanks! My mother is a teensy little thing but somehow all her daughters ended up considerably larger. . .even the skinniest sister!

      I’ve considered a reduction but I kinda’ feel like unnecessary surgery probably isn’t the best idea. We’ll just put our self esteem in an over-priced bra right? (WHY ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE?!)

  2. did you slap him on the back of the head? I totally would have after that. I have YET to find good bras, and my C cups runneth over. But I haven’t had the guts to go show the girls to a perfect stranger in order to get the right fit. Can you share the name brand you bought??

    • Deni Lyn says:

      My Husband’s a funny guy. I’m nearly immune at this point. Ha!

      I purchased 2 bras. A Wacoal brand in a style called Basic Beauty and an Elomi brand in a style called Caitlyn (have no idea who Caitlyn is or what she did to get a bra named after her?)

      I’m still searching for a perfect sports bra.

      It wasn’t the most comfortable thing to do to have to be partially unclothed in front of a complete stranger but I have to admit, I look about 10 pounds thinner now that my breasts are back in their appropriate spot on my body!

      Good luck! 🙂

  3. Pattie Cruikshank says:

    It’s such a heavy burden when you inherit those genes! Sorry.

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Ha! I don’t think any woman on this planet is completely pleased with their “breast situation.” You just gotta’ own it and apparently find a great foundation garment! XO

  4. I SO need to do this after Baby Girl 2 arrives and I figure out the nursing plan. This puppies need some HELP!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Ha! The correct foundation garment is so important!

      I’m behind as always on comments and likes on other blogs but I wanted to let you know I think your hair looks fabulous brunette. Your other color was just fine but I think you look even better darker. You did a bang up job picking a great color. 🙂

  5. Best post title ever. EVER.

  6. I agree, best title ever:-) I help a lot of women in your situation, but generally highly stressed out as they are usually coming to me to get fitted for a bridesmaids dress or wedding gown. Regular bras are bad enough but trying to find a strapless bra for any poor woman over a B cup is like diving into the pit of bra shopping hell. So glad I will never, ever be a bridesmaid ever again.
    Oh, and when I find a good fitting bra I like I try to buy as many of them at once as I can possibly afford because it is a law of the universe that if you go back 2 weeks later they won’t carry that style any more :-/

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Thank you! I’m sure your work is challenging. I can’t even imagine! My sisters BOTH of them chose strapless bridesmaids gowns. It was HORRIBLE! I was convinced it was payback for what a wretched big sister I was to them growing up. Ha.

      The tip about stocking up once you find something you like is excellent. I’m planning to snag a few more in the next few weeks once I’m certain I’m in love with these.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.

      • I managed to eek out of both my little sisters weddings And I wasn’t too terrible of a big sister, they got to wear cotton sundresses for my wedding 🙂 And pretty much, there is hardly a single bridesmaid dress for sale that offers sleeves. The problem being that there is an even bigger challenge in fitting sleeves of mass produced dresses than there is bust/waist/hips. So they just avoid the problem all together and make everything strapless or spaghetti straps.
        As far as following your blog…I might as well be following myself, except its is funnier when it happens to you 😉 I am also the oldest of two sisters/two brothers. My younger sister also follows you.

        • Deni Lyn says:

          We eloped in Vegas. Alone. No family. No dresses. No drama. Ha!

          I sew a little but have never done any “real” clothes, but I guess it makes sense now that you mention sleeves. They could throw the whole bodice fit. . .over the back. . .all of it.

          Do they make a line of wraps, ponchos, tunics to cover it all up?! 🙂

          I’m looking forward to keeping in touch with you. We seem to have a lot of things in common. Who is/which follower is your younger sister?

          You don’t have to tell. . .Sometimes I’d rather not ID my sisters. HA!

  7. richardmax22 says:

    I’m sorry. I feeling perverted by even clicking the “like” box. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. I’m sooooooo glad I was not born a woman!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Haha! I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable! I’m glad you commented. Funny thing, I think most women also feel very fortunate they aren’t men. 🙂 I’m trying to catch up on blogs today and tomorrow so I can’t wait to read yours. I’m like 4 posts behind – at least.

  8. RachelRHeath says:

    This is one of my all-time favorite articles ever, and it just seemed appropriate to share with you on this occasion.

  9. Papa Angst says:

    Very, very funny. If only you could’ve come up with a catch post title for this.

  10. finding a good bra is very much like finding god – in my opinion. Also – thank you for the picture of that little cutie with the mop of perfect hair…so freakin’ cute! Amen.

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I would second your opinion! Good foundation garments are vital. In sturdy bras we trust! Thanks for the comments about our little Huggy Bear. He has some nice hair for sure! (and I’m not just saying that ’cause I’m his mom) 🙂

  11. Robbie says:

    I’ve always been fortunate enough to find matronly women to fit me-a little less intimidating. Now please tell me why the decent bras for the overly endowed have to cost so damn much?

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Ha! Thanks for the comment! I honestly think all DECENT bras cost a fair amount of money but it does seem like if you’re overly endowed (as you poetically put it), you have far fewer less expensive (or attractive) options. You have to go right for the pricy, matronly stuff. . .Thanks for stopping by!