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Reluctant Mother’s Performance Review

Evaluation 3The other day I was thinking about those ridiculous performance reviews I was forced to endure semi-annually at my old job.

I hated those things.  They are ridiculous.  The self-evaluation part of the review is basically an opportunity to kiss your supervisor’s ass in writing.  The supervisor’s review of your performance is always so weak and vague, you walk of the meetings wondering why you wasted your time.

Fortunately, my new endeavor doesn’t come with self-assessments or supervisors.  Well, at least there isn’t a formal review process.  Yet, we all know the toddler runs the show in this joint.

What would he say about my performance?

Evaluation 2

EMPLOYEE NAME/POSITION:  Momster, Assistant to the Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos, Maid, Chef, Social Events Coordinator, Laundress, Chair of the Arts & Crafts Committee, Educational Team Leader, Keeper of the Cookies & Crayons, Member of the Nap Oversight Committee, Toddler On-Demand Specialist 

SUPERVISOR/TITLE:  Mac, CEO of Reluctant Mother, Inc. & Departmental Head of Toddler Chaos

1.  JOB KNOWLEDGE, SKILL, & ABILITIES:  Has the basic knowledge, skills, and abilities to perform her work satisfactorily. 

Momster has the basic knowledge and skills necessary to perform her work satisfactorily.   She doesn’t ruin laundry.  She seldom burns the entire dinner.  She can efficiently unclog the vacuum of 42 small toy parts.  She has mastered diapering while I run through the house screaming like a banshee.

She’s shown remarkable growth this year.  She can now hold me and simultaneously perform 25 other tasks.  I’ve seen her effectively operate our home’s thermostat and perform advanced functions with the TV remote.

Her dishwasher loading and dusting skills could use improvement.  Other areas for improvement noted below.

It’s commendable that when faced with a challenging situation she will seek assistance, albeit, it’s often from the Internet. . .or Daddy.

2.  QUALITY OF WORK/PRODUCTIVITY:  Work is sometimes inaccurate or incomplete; sometimes fails to meet departmental standards.  Works slower than expected; work is sometimes of substandard consistency and timeliness

Momster takes FOREVER to get me what I want.  It’s becoming a serious problem.  Her response time to my yelling “SEAT!” and pulling on my seat at the table can be as long as 32 seconds.  The other day I had to pull the seat completely to the floor just to get her attention.  She said she was trying to get the cookie crumbs out of the rug but I suspect that was merely an excuse to lie face down on the floor for half a minute.

Additionally, I’ve been waiting days for my favorite T-shirt and fleece to be laundered.  Imagine my disappointment when she presented it to me and the T-shirt was wrinkled because once again, she folded the laundry in a hurried and sloppy manner.

Momster really needs to hone her skills in this area.  She and I can work on an action plan for the coming year.

3.  RELIABILITY:  Sometimes not dependable and conscientious in performing work; sometimes unwilling to accept responsibilities.

To her credit, Momster, tries very valiantly to respond to my crying and other basic needs.  Unfortunately, she has trouble staying on task or her response is inadequate.  Often she will allow my continual demands for “Help,” “Read, Read, Read,”  or “SIP!” to draw her attention away from dinner preparations, laundry, or other key household chores.

Additionally, the time she devotes to Twitter on a daily basis is cause for concern.  I mean, this diaper isn’t just going to change itself.

Sometimes I’ve caught her glancing at a magazine when she should be scooping the cat boxes, organizing my baby mementos, or matching up my socks.  I understand by law she’s entitled to a couple breaks a day, however, she already gets bathroom breaks and typically she gets 10 minutes for meals per day.

It’s obvious Momster starts projects with good intentions but her follow through is disappointing.  She should focus on developing her perseverance.  I’m currently walking around with half a hair cut and 7 untrimmed toenails because she abandoned these tasks as soon as I started throwing a tantrum and thrashing about violently.

4.  COMMUNICATION:  Communications skills occasionally impair performance.

Momster is always talking, yet she doesn’t seem to listen.  Poor Daddy always seems to be asking for something that he never gets.

Now that I can talk, she seems terribly confused.  Granted she understands when I’m thirsty or want a cookie; however, when I yank open the refrigerator door and start pointing, it often takes her no fewer than 7 attempts to get my demands met.  (I hate mustard lady, stop offering me mustard bottles!)

And when I ask for the “Phone” or the “mote” it’s like she doesn’t even hear me.  I know she can hear me because if I say “Poop” she hurries up and runs for my potty seat.

Her selective hearing must be addressed.  Communication is vital to her roles in this organization.  I shouldn’t have to throw a fit every time I desire to run with a fork, play in the medicine cabinet, or spend half the day naked.

5.  WORK RELATIONSHIPS:  Attempts to take a positive approach in assisting others.  However, sometimes has trouble getting along with other employees, supervisors, and the public.

Momster is always running around saying how much she loves me and asking for hugs and kisses.  Yet, sometimes she has trouble getting along with me AND Daddy.  She gets so uptight when we run through the house screaming until 8:45 at night.

She really needs to relax a little bit.  I will go to bed eventually.

Sometimes, when I find her weeping silently in a corner during an unscheduled break, I get the impression that she is overwhelmed or frustrated by her co-workers.  This behavior is unacceptable in a position as prominent as Momster’s.  She really needs to embrace her co-workers and their diverse viewpoints.  Momster’s continued improvement in this area is expected and once she makes steps towards improving, I believe she will find her work much more rewarding.

evaluation 1


Note:  The text and wording for the headings in this “performance review” were sourced here.

No Responses to “Reluctant Mother’s Performance Review”

  1. Kim says:

    Hahaha! I love it! I’m going to guess that you’re terribly underpaid? Did you tell your employer that he needs a better incentive plan, maybe paid vacations?

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Ha! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I tried discussing additional compensation with him today at lunch but he just kept sticking his finger in his cucumbers and mumbling about “cost cutting in our current economic environment.”

  2. I agree with Kim, let us know how that raise request goes over 😉 My supervisor is currently running around with bangs 2″ too short and half clipped finger nails as well. I should have left the hair alone and concentrated on the fingernails.

  3. Meghan says:

    haha, as always, love reading your stuff. That Mac has high standards!

  4. I often find myself almost wanting those old performance reviews just to get some goddamn recognition for all that I do, but reading this reminded me why instead of feeling valued and vindicated, it might make me hide, crying, in the closet with a bottle of wine. Funny!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m glad you liked it! Thank you for commenting! I wouldn’t trade it for anything, except maybe 5 uninterrupted minutes in the closet with booze! Good luck with that! 🙂

  5. gfunkified says:

    Okay, he is ADORABLE and this is HILARIOUS. My favorite part is communication. I’m still giggling. Thanks for linking up with us!

  6. Hahaha…perfect. I hate performance reviews – the giving and receiving. I don’t know if I’d want one from my kids 🙂

    • Deni Lyn says:

      They are so silly aren’t they? I always wanted to write snarky stuff on my “self assessment” but it was “frowned upon.” Ha. I’ll bet your kid’s would be kind. . .they know who controls the candy and fun right? Just like I never wrote a bad thing about a supervisor: I know who controlled pay increases! Ha.

  7. Audrey says:

    OMG I am dying of laughter! I can only imagine what my two would write for my performance

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting! I’m glad you enjoyed it! Maybe I’ll do one next year. . .when Mac is closer to 3. I’m certain I’ll have no shortage of material.

  8. I’ve read this two or three times now, and can’t stop laughing. It’s not nice to make a pregnant lady pee her pants like this. (But, really – how freaking hilarious. Lord knows I spent enough time in corporate / academia to remember THOSE reviews. Blech.)

    • Deni Lyn says:

      As a formerly pregnant woman who peed her pants A LOT and as a “reformed” pregnant woman who still pees her pants A LOT, I’m sorry for making you laugh-pee!

      Although, I’m so so glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting! I’ll check out your blog for sure & congrats on the pregnancy!