Home » The Pregnant & Delusional Reluctant Mother: What I Didn’t Know

The Pregnant & Delusional Reluctant Mother: What I Didn’t Know

Word has it my Sister is at the hospital ready to deliver her first baby.  A little boy.  I’m very excited!  Maybe more excited than when we had Mac. . .because duh, I’m not the one giving birth this time!

Anyway in honor of the event, I thought I’d share a few things I was surprised to discover along the way:

1. Oh CRAP – Seems a lot of women are pre-occupied about pooping while giving birth.  Certainly this wasn’t my biggest fear about the whole event but it was on my list of things I was hoping to avoid.  Turns out I was in luck.  As the chances of this happening are greatly reduced if labor takes 38 damned hours.  BECAUSE THOSE SAVAGES, WHO CALL THEMSELVES MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, REFUSE TO GIVE YOU FOOD OR WATER FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION!

And afterwards?  Lucky me!  I got some ginger ale and a pack of Lorna Doone cookies.  Jesus christ, I just gave birth!  It wasn’t like I just donated a little bit of blood.  Hospitals are wretched.

Also, in hindsight, if I had to choose between a little doody or the 3 hours of relentless pushing I was forced to endure, I’d definitely opt for the former.

2.  The Hair (of a Mangey) Dog – A few months BEFORE Mac was born I decided I’d embrace my graying hair and stopped coloring it.  By the time Mac was about 6 weeks old, my roots were looking completely trailer trash.  So I did the most logical thing I could think of:  I went into the bathroom and cut off all my hair at the line of “demarcation.”  Um yeah.  My naturally curly hair was approximately 4-inches long.  NOT PRETTY!

No worries, it grows back.  Except a few months after that, I noticed it was actually FALLING OUT! I woke up one morning, just days before my sister’s wedding to realize I had a fucking RECEDING HAIR LINE!  This naturally scared me senseless!  I hadn’t budgeted for Rogaine!  I had no idea that some strange drop in hormones a few months after the baby is born could cause your hair to fall out.  Fortunately, it made a comeback eventually.  This malady is easily hidden with cute little scarves tied around your head.  These also have the added benefit of hiding the fact that you haven’t had time to wash whatever hair you have left in 12 days.

3.  Just Because the Baby’s “Out” Doesn’t Mean They Stop Being a Needy Little Parasite – Oh sure, I understood babies needed plenty of food and attention and cuddling and caring.  However, I had no idea how much this kid would want every blessed thing I have.  It started at about 3 months of age when Mac was watching me bake a cake and demanded a large plastic mixing spoon.

And it only got worse.  He sees me using hand lotion.  Must have!  He sees me eating something. . .anything.  Must have!  He demands the phone, the remote, and the computer.  Must have!  If I place ice in a drinking glass, he has to help AND MUST HAVE.  I’ve become an unmoisturized, parched, starving, unshowered shell of my former self.

4.  Things That Should Take Five Minutes Now Take One Hour – minimum.  It’s complete bullshit but it’s true.  No matter how prepared you are.  No matter if everything is packed and waiting by the door, inevitably the kid will vomit, poop, be hungry, or need a nap.

We learned this as I was attempting to flee the hospital in a huge hurry after Mac was born.  Just as 800th nurse came into the room to tell us we were finally “allowed” to leave that hell hole, Mac barfed all over himself and me.  As an aside, don’t sweat the “going home from the hospital outfit” too much for this very reason.

5.  You Will Be Plagued by Your Decisions – Even the Little Ones – I’ve always been a very decisive person.  I  like to make a decision and move forward.  I’ve always operated on the assumption that you are free to change your mind later.

Except when you have children, it’s not so easy to change course.  I find myself debating the most mundane topics with my Husband:  “If we do that, what message does that send?  Is this consistent with what we’ve been doing?  Why didn’t you buy more effing blueberry yogurt?  That’s what he likes before bed!”

I find myself feeling guilty if I spend nap time doing something other than my usual chores and Mac’s snack isn’t quite ready when he wakes up.  Or we opt to do something that screws with his nap time.  Or I deny him the 241st animal cracker he’s demanded. . .(well, mostly because that last one usually leads to a minor tantrum.)

It’s ridiculous.  But you won’t be able to help yourself either.

6.  Be Prepared!  Not only for poop disasters and ill-timed hunger. . .but also for the most awesome experience you’ve ever had.  No one could have prepared me for the amazement and wonder I feel every day looking at this little being, growing so quickly, learning so much.  The love you will feel is crushing at times. . .which makes all the other nonsense completely worth it!


18 Responses to “The Pregnant & Delusional Reluctant Mother: What I Didn’t Know”

  1. Jennifer says:

    Mimi told me and its been very truthful…the worst you can imagine is every bit possible but the best you can imagine is actually a million times better!! Enjoy every second!!!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      That’s an absolutely awesome thought! Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing! I’ll be sure to let my sister know. The little guy seems to be struggling a little bit so we’ve kinda’ been edgy today. She’ll love this idea. XOXO

  2. Meghan says:

    Loved this! Can’t believe you cut all your hair off!!! I cut mine short just before Avery came, knowing I wouldn’t be spending hours a day beautifying my long locks. If I had my own list, I’d add the HORRID cell reception. The whole time I was in the hospital during and after Avery was born I had to have hubby leave and go make calls and annoucements for me cuz we didn’t have cell reception in the rooms. Dammit. I had a friggen baby, let me shout it from the rooftops! So annoying. I felt so disconnected from all my friends and family when I wanted to share with them. Grrrr…. hospitals.

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it! That’s terrible about the phones. I’ll bet all your friends and family were chomping at the bit. . .How obnoxious not to be able to have any reception. Hospitals are an excellent incentive to keep ourselves healthy!

  3. Except, of course, you can’t ever tell a pre-kid woman any of this, right? She won’t hear it. Believe it. Some things have to be experienced first-hand…

    After being starved for three days during my marathon first labour, I snuck sandwiches and chocolate into the hospital for labours 2 and 3. My husband and mother (who was my doula) were initially appalled, but I averred that I’d rather vomit than starve!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I was right there with you with the sandwich. On the morning of day two, when my Husband went home to shower and let out the dogs, I forbid him to come back unless he had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He gave me the whole “you aren’t supposed to eat” tap dance. I snarled something about understanding the risks of aspirating and it was called informed consent and by gawd DO NOT COME BACK WITHOUT THAT FOOD! Of course, by the time he returned, they had broken my water and I forgot all about the sandwich.

      • But you had a sandwich to eat right AFTER, right? Because of course the cafeteria did not stay open until you were “legally” able to eat… P

        • Deni Lyn says:

          Um. . .not exactly. My Husband ate it while I was trying to nap before I had to “push.” So I got cookies and giner-ale. . .Oh well, it was so late I only had to wait a few more hours until they brought me one of those stellar hospital meals! 🙂

  4. Love this! And good gawd, can I relate. My nice 15-minute showers have been deduced to 2.6 minutes. Even then, I have a kid trying to crawl in or screaming at the door. I, too, am a shell of my former self. Hoping in a few years I’ll feel and look better! LOL

  5. Another one is that there is no such thing as privacy again ever, as long as the kids are awake. EVER.

  6. hahahahaha, “needy little parasite” is the loving term I use for my kids all the time! glad to see I’m not the only oe!

  7. Julie DeNeen says:

    So many of these are SO true and caught me by surprise as well. Great post!