Home » He Effing BIT Me! * alternatively titled the B**&^%$ had it comin’ to her. . .

He Effing BIT Me! * alternatively titled the B**&^%$ had it comin’ to her. . .

Yup.  We all knew it would come to this.

After years of being a wretched little bitch myself, sooner or later it was. . .


Going to come back to bite me.

And this morning was the day of reckoning.

Mac started his sweet little whimper at 5:30 this morning.

These days when there’s a sound from the nursery, I wait it out a few moments.  I like to think of it as being a more exhausted, apathetic, confident parent.

Chris managed to sneak off to work undetected but moments afterwards, Mac’s dissatisfaction with his current diaper/stomach/sleeping arrangements reached a crescendo.

I stumbled out of bed and staggered downstairs to get some milk for him.

I entered his room and smiled sleepily at him.  Immediately his wailing turned to laughter.  The little sack of sugar is mocking me isn’t he?

I grab a diaper and scoop him up and put him in our bed.

We cuddle and he sucks down nearly 6 ounces of whole milk without protest.

Ahhhh. . .Excellent.  We’re just going to doze off together now for another half hour. How sweet. . .

OUCHMOTHEREFEROUCH!!!!  What the hell was that?

Did he just bite my arm?  

And then as if I had asked the question out loud, he came at my forearm again like it was a damned Granny Smith Apple.

Asked and answered, counselor.  

My still half-asleep brain can’t even begin to contemplate what an appropriate response would be at this moment.

So I scoop him into my arms and offer him the last bit of milk in the bottle.

This is met with the angriest little face I have ever seen followed in rapid succession by his grabbing the flesh on the side of my neck and pinching and twisting violently.

Where the hell did he learn that move?  I didn’t learn that until first grade recess!  Kids are advanced these days.

Now that he has my full attention. . .well except for the area of my brain that processes pain. . .which is radiating from my right forearm and the right side of my neck (and the part of my brain concerned it’s going to look as if I have some kinda’ white trash hickey). . .

Ok.  So now that he has most of my attention. . .


He’s not wet.  He’s not hungry.  He’s not cold.  He has a favorite Linus blanket. . .

Am I the offending party?

I hold him in my arms feeling slightly helpless.

“Use your words,” I whisper.  “Momster doesn’t know what you need.  Use words.”

Yes, I refer to myself as the Momster. . .It kinda’ makes me laugh.  Until I actually become a monster. . .which on mornings like this one. . .could be in the ensuing minutes. . . 

Of course, his vocal communication skills are limited.  He can make sheep and turkey sounds.  He can make a fake cough.  He can say “Brrrrrrr.”  He can make um farting noises (to much fanfare from his Father and much to my dismay).  He can say “good bye, come back” and “blue.”

So unless his problem is gas. . .Or a blue turkey, we have reached the limits of our ability to verbally communicate with one another.

I finally resolve the situation by placing him in his crib with a host of plastic shit until I can make the bed, brush my teeth and brew a cup of coffee.  That’s when I catch the little vampire trying to go back to sleep with the rapidly approaching dawn.

No way.  Not on your cute little tushy are you going back to bed. . .

And as I’m walking in the park with the little darling, I’m wondering if perhaps all that baby sign language stuff doesn’t have way more merit than I previously thought. . .

But he won’t even wave when I ask him too.

How’s he going to learn how to spell out “I hate you this morning devil woman”?

And do I want him to?

Thoughts on “baby” sign language?  Will we have fun?  Will he crush me with non-verbal insults?  Do you feel it helps language development or maybe delays it a bit?  Does it matter so long as you know how to help your child?

Most importantly?  Will he start talking to himself so I can spend more time on Pinterest?  Ha!

31 Responses to “He Effing BIT Me! * alternatively titled the B**&^%$ had it comin’ to her. . .”

  1. hnMom says:

    Ha, nice snark, delivered as promised. Thank you ever so much for making me laugh once again.
    As far as sign language goes, I can only recommend it. Livi is having so much fun with it and she is so proud when we understand her. I have also found that she is learning to say words much faster and more words every week since we started signing, So it definitely helped her language development. She is also much more interested in books.
    Not much talking to herself though but she could never really play on her own or entertain herself for any amount of time, so it may be different with Mac and there may be hope for your Pinterest adventures yet. 😉

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m def up for anything. . .especially if it means the little fellow will stop biting me! I think we’ll give it a go. Glad you appreciate the snark. I do what I can! XOXO

      • I’m barging in on this thread to get some ideas for what signs to start with? I have been trying the “more” sign at mealtimes, but mealtimes have been an issue anyway, so maybe that’s not a good one. And I tried the sign for “diaper change” and “milk”, but the kid is just not interested in learning them. Thoughts? I’d love to have a way for her to tell me things, but I have no idea where to start! I do have a good book though, so I can look up the signs when I decide which ones to focus on?

        • Deni Lyn says:

          That’s a great question!

          Once again I go back to our dogs for parenting advice Ha! We try not to ever teach them to do anything under duress or stress or put them in a position to fail. . .

          So maybe what you do is start with a positive sign/interaction? Mac always gets crazy happy when his Dad gets home in the evenings. . .Maybe I can have Daddy start with a sign for “Hello” or “I love you.” (if they are easy?).

          Then once we get the hang of it, and Mac realizes there’s a “back and forth” associated with signs, I could just start picking and choosing “more,” “diaper,” we look at the whole picture book together?

          I don’t know. It’s just a thought – esp. since, like Bubbs, I can’t seem to get Mac to mimic anything I do – no waiving, no clapping. He’s not interested. He just wants to talk about blue turkeys. Maybe I teach him blue turkey? Ha!

      • Sounds like an easy transition. Keep me posted! I’m totally going to pull out the sign book this weekend and figure out some good ones that’ll fit in with our day. Bubbs is good at doing things on command – if I ask her to clap, she will, if I say “high five” or “give me ten”, she complies. She won’t wave either though. And she’s good at identifying objects – if I ask her where certain shapes are on one of her puzzles, she’ll pick them up or point and say, “da”. So I know she UNDERSTANDS. But I also know I am going to walk away from her 15-month check-up feeling like a failure in the speaking department! But she does open one of her books to a picture of a lion and says, “aaaaaah” for “lion”. And she babbles like CRAZY – mama, dada, ado, atta, nana, lala, etc.

        I wonder if you freak out less about milestones with subsequent children?!?!?!?

        Anyway, here’s to signing!!!

        • Deni Lyn says:

          I know Mac understands things too. . .but he’s definitely not setting the world on fire with his language skills. I’m trying not to freak out too. I’m sure it’s perfectly fine. . .but those doctors do know how to make you worry don’t they? Let me know how your signing goes. Hope you are having a relaxing weekend!

          • OMG, he’s saying proper words – I would say he’s totally setting the world on fire with his language skills! I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. The only sign I am good at using repeatedly is the sign for “more” at mealtimes. But she could care less. If she wants more, she hits her tray. I have yet to crack that book open again to figure out more signs that will work. Let me know what you start with and how it goes!

          • Deni Lyn says:

            I haven’t gotten a book yet! And he hasn’t bitten me since. . .Well I think he was eyeing up my toe this morning but I distracted him quickly. Ha. I’ll let you know when I finally get my act together. . .It might happen before he can spell proper words. 🙂

  2. What you do is exactly what you would like to do with your child. He’ll benefit from the interaction.
    Both of my kids went through a biting stage. The worst was the bite on my cheek (pre-bath salts phenomenon). That was awful, right? Anyway, I hope you don’t have to go through that because the bites are always unexpected. It’s not like they say, “Hey, Mom. I’m getting ready to sink my teeth into you.” Then every time you pick them up, you wonder if they’re going to make a meal out of your shoulder. I hope you don’t have to go through that!

  3. Yikes! Sounds like he’s frustrated. We started using baby sign language really early and now I think my daughter knows about as many signs as words. I have found that she’s better able to express what she wants, which can cut down on frustration, but obviously not entirely. Sometimes toddlers just don’t get their way, and that’s frustrating! Good luck (we could all use a little)!!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Thanks! He’s definitely frustrated. Do you mind my asking what book or system you used?

      • I wish I knew! We got a few books from the library, and one had a really nice “visual dictionary” in the back with a bunch of useful signs. I copied most of the pages and put them on my refrigerator until I learned them. I remember there being a LOT of great resources.

      • I wish I remembered! We got a few books from the library, one of which had a “visual dictionary” in the back that had a lot of useful signs for babies. I copied most of the pages and stuck them up on my refrigerator until I had them memorized. I remember there being a lot of great resources.

  4. Be thankful you didn’t breastfeed. My child bit my girls everyday for over 4 weeks. I didn’t want to wean until after our trip to my parents place in February, and that’s when it really started, so I just endured it. The trouble is, she made me bleed, so there were times when I would cry. Not cool! But, when she bites my shoulders now, it doesn’t even phase me!

    I tried baby sign language, and it didn’t really get us anywhere. BUT…I got lazy with it and admittedly didn’t really do it much. I do the sign for “more” at mealtimes though, but she just hits the tray when she wants more. But I understand it, so I guess that’s a “sign”?!

  5. hnMom says:

    Guess what? I nominated you for another award and you’re really going to like this one: “Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award.” I immediately thought of you. 🙂 Details tomorrow on my blog.

  6. shortiibbz says:

    my son has always been a biter… and hes only 16 months now and still at it! so glad im not breastfeeding anymore ! ouch!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Ouch is right! What do you do when he bites you? Mac has done it a couple times before but I felt like it was more out of curiosity than actual frustration or anger. Except this time, he was clearly frustrated. And I don’t want him biting out of frustration but I’m not sure what an appropriate reaction should be? It’s not as if he understands “time out” yet.

      • shortiibbz says:

        usually im taken by surprise which results in me shouting oww! and my son kai usually starts to cry lol hes slowly stopped doing it now probably because of my reaction lol

        • Deni Lyn says:

          It’s funny you should mention the “Owwwww!” My Husband and I had a small debate about that tactic. He tried it once on Mac, and like Kai, Mac started crying. So my position was my Husband and I do not scream at each other (often). . .or our pets, should we expect it would work with our kid? (I’m not sure? It might, I’m completely open to various strategies). The Hubs said I was being way too “touchy feely” about it. . .Only time will tell if the kid tries to sink his chompers back into his Father. . .If he doesn’t, maybe a hearty “Owwwww” is all it takes. Ha!

          • shortiibbz says:

            yeah i didnt do it on purpose more shock lol but hes almost outgrown it now (16 months) maybe its just the dreaded teeth. my son would come over and just bite my toe lol

          • Deni Lyn says:

            Never mind. . .He’s 16 months. . .He’s just a tad older than Mac. I think they are very curious to use the new “gear” (i.e., teeth). . .Who wouldn’t want to see how they work? I’m glad to hear Mac will hopefully outgrow it.

          • shortiibbz says:

            He will my sons moved on to tantrums … i think its a little bit early thou lol

          • Deni Lyn says:

            Thanks for the encouragement. Ha! Great. . .from biting to tantrums! 🙂 If you have any advice to offer regarding managing tantrums, we are definitely all ears!

          • shortiibbz says:

            lol i just posted a blog post about the tantrum my son had today in the shopping center lol! only advice i can say is never give in lol

  7. […] if you recall, I was contemplating the use of baby sign language to help me figure out what Mac might be […]