Home » Hostage Situation

Hostage Situation

Psst. . .Over here. . .

I’m that fat blob cowering in the corner covered in blocks, banana, and bored err board books. . .

I might need a sniper armed with bubbles and possibly a cookie to get me out of this fucking corner of the kitchen!

Seems Huggy Bear has overnight mastered false imprisonment.

If you can get a clean shot with the bubbles, take it!

It happened rapidly.  One day Mac’s this sweet little guy flopping around on his tummy playing with some blocks, maybe crawling a few feet here or there. . .

Then BAM!  He’s lightning fast mobile and has a list of demands a mile long!

I can’t make a move or else he’s on me.

I’ve moved the coffee canister to the counter so I don’t have to fight with him about sucking K-Cups like a vampire.  I let trash pile up on the counter for half the morning so I don’t have to open a cabinet door.  I let the recycling accumulate at the bottom of the basement stairs all day long so I don’t have to open the back door since he’s very fond of pounding on the glass storm door and beating the door knob into the 100-year-old plaster walls.

There are baby gates every which way I turn.  Since the budding sociopath genius has figured out how to bust through a few of them, I have chairs in front of them for added security.  Yet, he’s strong enough to slide a chair.  So I wait for the last possible minute to use the bathroom.  I pitch dirty diapers to the bottom of the stairs.  I floss my teeth in the kitchen just to keep him contained.

I drink water, iced tea, and sometimes gin, at room temperature because we fight about closing the freezer door.  The oven?  Forget it.  I don’t even dare tempt him with an open hot oven door.

I try ever so quietly to open a bag of snacks, a door, a baby gate, remove my shoes and POW!  He’s all up on me.

He’s holding me hostage in my kitchen and living room!  I can’t read a magazine lest he shred it to bits.  I can no longer wear flip-flops or go barefoot because he comes zipping towards me at breakneck pace in his little toe squashing, joy-sucking dump truck pedicure death machine.

He digs his elbow into my sternum.  He punches me in the throat.  He suctions his mouth to the dishwasher.  He pulls on my skirts and chews on my shirts.  He demands I share his vile partially masticated banana and spit-soggy Cheerios every morning.  He laughs and laughs and snorts sadistically at me.  He sees every weakness as an opportunity and exploits it!

I’m being held hostage by an 11-month old!!!

You know how on TV sometimes the hostage starts to identify with or understand or sympathize with their captor?

I try.  Oh how I try!

We negotiate.  We speak in fun terms about “helping Mommy shut the freezer door.”  We say please and thank you.  We try distracting the little scoff-law in an attempt to appease him. . .

But sometimes to no avail. . .There’s protest. . .and tears.

If you have a clean shot with the bubbles, take it!!!!!!!

Or just leave some pizza, ice, and gin by the back door. . .

Oh wait. . .

I can’t open the gawddamned back door. . .

At least not until nap time!

No Responses to “Hostage Situation”

  1. Ayanti Guha says:

    Bad news…it’s all downhill from here on. I’ve entertained thoughts of asking the tailors to sew a mini straitjacket for me since none of the websites seem to have mail order ones for a pre-schooler. They sure as hell didn’t have them when he was a toddler either!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Hilarious! It’s a fabulous idea! Maybe I can fashion something out of all those swaddle blankets we have? I’m hoping in a few more months I can convince him it’s he most fun EVER to allow me to duct tape him to a chair! Ha!

  2. Meghan says:

    haha… this is hilarious. And now I’m deathly afraid of what is to come with our little one. EEk! Maybe I shouldn’t be encouraging him to crawl right now :-/

  3. hahah this was funny! Im sure you don’t think so but i enjoyed reading it!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m glad you liked it! I actually do find it a little amusing sometimes. I like when I open the freezer and he’s completely engrossed in something 10 feet away. The minute he hears it, he drops everything and sprints towards it, determined look on his little face.

  4. This is hysterical – but that little cutie can hold me hostage anytime (I know, I’ll shut-up now)

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m glad everyone thinks this is soooooo FUNNY! hahahaha! We’re in the kitchen (again). I’m waiting for him to turn his back so I can get some iced tea! Thanks for the cute compliments!

  5. hnMom says:

    Wow, I haven’t laughed like this in a long time, I actually have tears streaming down my face. It is quite a challenge, isn’t it. And from what I can tell, it will be like this for a while. Once they walk, it gets even more interesting. But then they also come running into your arms to hug you, which melts your heart and gets you ready for the next round.

    • Deni Lyn says:

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I’m sure it gets even more challenging with walking. But you are right. The small sweet moments make everything worthwhile. When he’s riding his little truck and runs over my toes to get close enough to kiss my leg, I am ALMOST entirely oblivious to the pain radiating from my certainly dislocated toe! 🙂 I joke a lot, but secretly I’m so proud of him already. (Gag)

      • hnMom says:

        You crack me up. But yeah, the daily “physical torture” and the aches and pains were not part of how I imagined raising a child.

        • Deni Lyn says:

          This kid is a bruiser! I need to get a football or lacrosse stick in his hand ASAP – maybe he can self-fund orthodontia and college – ha! He plows his way, nearly unfazed through anything. Or maybe he’s gotten my type A-psycho gene? Nooooooooo!!! hahaha

  6. locololo says:

    This. Is. Exactly. How. I. Feel. Everyday. Right. Now. (mine is 11 1/2 months old lol)

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Yes! Mac’s first birthday is 5/24. At least now I know this is “normal”?! 🙂 We’re still in the kitchen. I’m chopping salad (with a pile of trash on the side – lol) and he’s making deliveries on his little ride-along-truck-of-pain. . .first my knees and now my toes! ha!

      • locololo says:

        Really? Jacob is 5/25… Curious? Since my boy was a 32 weeker preemie… He’s 24 lbs and 28 inches. Yours?

        • Deni Lyn says:

          Mac was a day past due date. I haven’t weighed or measured him since his last doc’s visit but I would imagine he’s about the same size as Jacob. We see the doc on 5/26. I can let you know the official numbers then if you’d like. Sounds like Jacob is doing great!

  7. Pattie Cruikshank says:

    Hilarious!
    You are the new Erma Bombeck!

    • Deni Lyn says:

      Thank you. That is an awesome compliment. I heard it one other time when I allowed Skip to read the story of Mac’s birth. I probably curse more than Erma. . .but I’m trying to use four letter words judiciously. Trying. . . 🙂 I should probably read more of her stuff! Oh expletive! I should probably try to read something ANYTHING without falling asleep!

  8. […] another moment of brilliance, I put him on the dump truck pedicure death machine.  He was so slick with olive oil he was practically sliding […]