Home » Me v Stupid & Obnoxious – I Cannot Make This Sh%#*^ Up!

Me v Stupid & Obnoxious – I Cannot Make This Sh%#*^ Up!

This morning Mac and I went to the park.  By the time we got there, it was turning over-cast.  I quickly realized the birding was going to suck because the place was crawling with landscaping crews on riding mowers, brandishing weed-wackers and prisoners on work-release cleaning up debris.

However, Mac seemed a bit grouchy this morning so I figured we’d just try to enjoy our walk. . .get some fresh air, maybe blow some bubbles, and eat some goldfish crackers.

We did a long walk covering nearly every part of park.  I decided to take one more pass at the boat lake just in case there was something good braving the racket of the landscapers.    I no sooner put my foot on the board walk until I was buzzed on the left by a black and white blur.  The blur made an abrupt right and halted below the magnolia where it began furiously digging and scratching at the roots.

SONOFAMOTHEREFFINGDOUCHEBUCKET!!!  Stupid and Obnoxious were back!

I had kinda’ hoped they moved out to the county over the weekend.  I really wasn’t looking forward to calling 311 again.  And I certainly wasn’t looking forward to speaking to this woman.  You might find this difficult to believe, but I actually do not like confrontation.  I’m more of a passive less aggressive bitch.

I crossed paths with Stupid on the boardwalk.  I kept her in my sights.  I decided since I had nothing better to do, I’d tail her.  Yes.  I’ve been officially watching too many crime dramas.  I figured stalking walking behind her would give me a chance to see if she ever put the dog on the leash and perhaps rehearse a little well-reasoned speech in my head that I could say to her without referring to her as Stupid out-loud. . .or worse.

As I continued around the Boat Lake on my covert mission, I noticed ahead of me on the grass several people engaged in the most ridiculous-looking exercises I had ever seen.  A man was standing fully upright and these two women were on their hands and knees at his feet making all kinds of erratic movements.  I squinted for a better look.  

If this was some kind of new Mommy Bootcamp Class these women deserved a refund.  I’m no fitness expert, but I’ve wasted enough money on work-out DVDs to know they weren’t going to see results with this bizarro downward dog spasm move they were practicing.

And you know who else was over there in a flash?  You guessed it:  Obnoxious!  He was circling and yapping and all up in their business.  A disgusted snort started to escape my lips but before I even had time to finish, I witness Stupid running full tilt towards the scene.

I’m not exaggerating.  She’s full-on sprinting, ample thighs undulating, load-testing the limits of their Spandex containment.  At this point, I notice she’s ditched the stroller.  Where is her kid?  She just had a stroller 2 minutes ago!  

Stupid has grabbed Obnoxious by the collar.  Stupid still has the dog’s leash looped around her own neck but doesn’t actually clip it to the dog?!  And then she starts screaming:  “Does anyone have a phone?  Call 911!  We need help!”

Well, I surmise, Obnoxious must have chomped down on one of those nice ladies doing those weird squirmy push-ups.

And guess who has a phone?  

I pull the phone out of my pocket and pick up our pace.  At exactly the same time, a man who was fishing nearby drops his rod and heads that direction, also pulling a phone out of his pocket.

As we approach, I get a better look at the action.

The two women on the ground, were not exercising.  They are leaning over a dog which is lying completely limp in a prone position.  One of the women is clearly trying to revive the dog – by giving it CPR.  The man standing above the women is the dog’s owner.  He is near tears screaming “Come one Sammy, Come on. Please don’t leave me!”  Beside the dog is a partially squished, blue plastic ball.

And Stupid?  Well I was right about her role in this little drama:  She’s just being plain stupid.  She has left her kid, unattended in a stroller back by the Boat Lake.  She’s holding her dog by the collar and still screaming for 911.

I explained to her – with the straightest face I could muster – that you cannot call 911 for a dog.  The fisherman agreed with me – ample smirk on his face.  But her hysterics continued until finally her daughter began calling “Mommy?  Mommy?”  So she releases Obnoxious again and heads towards the stroller.  Why?  Why?

It was clear the dog must have choked on the ball and become unconscious.  Fortunately for this dog, one of the two women passing by just happened to be a Johns Hopkins nurse, who also didn’t mind putting her lips into a strange dog’s mouth.  What a freaking rock star.

The poor man was visibly shaking and a little confused about what to do next.  I suggested that he get the dog to his vet immediately.  I mentioned if he didn’t have a Vet, I’d make a call to our Vet – whose office is very close and let them know he was coming.   He affirmed he did have a vet.  Then the “hero” women and the fisherman agreed to wait with the recovering dog while the man went to get his car.

I didn’t really see how I could do much else given the circumstances so Mac and I headed for home saying a small prayer that Sammy and her owner would have a happy outcome.  Followed by a vow that Stupid & Obnoxious haven’t seen the last of me.

Who leaves their 3 year-old unattended in a park? Especially one that is crawling with prisoners on work release?  This stupid lady seems to be laughing in the face of Darwinism – and much to my dismay, so far it’s working. . .she’s even managed to successfully procreate!

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