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Magical Thinking

When people learn I resigned from my job of 11+ years after having our son, they frequently ask me what I do all day.  And I can’t explain it. When I try, the explanation sounds embarrassingly elementary to me too.

True, it’s a little deflating to think that someone who once worked full-time and went to law school “for fun” in the evenings needs 16 hours to do some laundry.

Perhaps a more interesting question would be “What do you think all day?”  Because boy there’s a lot of unproductive, magical thinking occurring around here. . .

1.  Why does the dog smell like a potent mix of vomit and death and can I Febreeze her?

2.  Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to try to dye that faded black dress I love?  Because it’s a colossal fucking mess.

3.  Why are cigarettes like potato chips?  Because you can’t have just one. 

4.  What is that dried pile of stuff on the floor and who made it? Sadly, I can typically only eliminate myself from the list of suspects.

5.  Why does this kid nap only when it’s inconvenient for me?

6.  What part of knock it the fuck off don’t these dogs understand?  Every. Blessed. Part.

7.  Why does Catholic God only seem to allow our church to baptize 10 children a month? I asked the Church Secretary.  Her reply?  It’s not the child’s fault he’s not baptized yet.

8.  Exactly how fast can I sharpen these 25 pristine Dixon Ticonderoga pencils? About 4 days with continual interruption.

9.  Why does my toenail look like that?

10.  Can you make instant pudding with soy milk? Apparently not.

11.  If I’ve been awake since 4:30 AM is it really wrong to have a beer at noon?

12.  Can I go another day (or week) without washing my hair?  Not unless I want to smell like the dog.

13.  What are the odds my Husband will actually kill me? Slim. Trust me, I’ve tested.

14.  Where did this chin hair come from and where are all Mac’s socks going?  If I knew, I’d probably be wealthy.

15.  Why do dog toys all seem to resemble sex toys?

16.  Can I hang this with a thumb tack?  Not if you expect it to remain hung.

17.  My iPhone knows where the fuck I am at any given second, amongst a gazillion other amazing things, but it doesn’t have an embedded Flash player?

18.  Can the dog smell cancer?  Do I have cancer?  Is that why she won’t stop barking at me?

19.  Did anyone just see that?

20.  Did anyone who can speak just see that?